Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Baiting. How Toxic People Provoke You And What To Do Next

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 16

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Ever had someone poke at your confidence, then call your reaction “too sensitive”? We pull the mask off baiting—those calculated digs, vague rumors, and public exclusions designed to trigger you—so you can spot it fast and protect your peace. Using real stories and practical psychology, we map the tactics toxic people lean on and explain why they do it: power, drama, attention, and a need to destabilize anyone who feels steady and strong.

We walk through what baiting looks like in everyday life, from “I’m only joking” jabs to the slippery “someone said this about you” triangle that sparks insecurity and isolates you from your support system. You’ll learn how to read the pattern behind the charm—smirks after stings, hot-and-cold inconsistency, and victim-playing when confronted—so you stop second-guessing your gut. We also dig into why confident, healing people become targets, and how to keep growing without shrinking your light.

Most importantly, we give you a response plan you can use today. Silence as strategic non-engagement. Short boundary lines that end games. Early exits, zero tolerance, and energetic hygiene that keeps your nervous system out of constant fight-or-flight. If someone smiles while your mood drops, you have your answer. Save your energy for people who celebrate you, hold you steady, and treat your trust with care.

If this landed for you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your story might be the lifeline someone else needs.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk to you about something that many people experience. I know I have, I know um some friends and clients have experienced this, but we don't really name it. And it's called baiting. Toxic people who bait you just to get a reaction. This is a painful behavior that often leaves you confused, hurt, wondering, did I do something wrong? Am I overreacting to what the person said? You know, why am I triggered? You know, um that wasn't right what they said, why did they say that? I thought they were a friend. So I want to tell you something up front. You're not imagining it, you're not too sensitive, and you are absolutely allowed to remove yourself from relationships where someone is intentionally trying to provoke you. And you know, sometimes it can be very subtle, so you can miss it sometimes, you know. But when you reflect back in on certain conversations or interactions with people, it's like, oh, they were trying to bait me. And I have had this happen in my own life. People I truly believe who were my friends, and you know, started behaving in ways that felt off. Little dicks, subtle exclusions, baiting comments meant to get a rise out of me, or posting things publicly to make someone feel left out. You know, I I've known a few people who try to make me feel left out, and they're like, Well, we did this and we did that, and they're staring at me, smiling, like they're looking for a reaction. I'm like, I'm gonna have to cut this person off because I'm too old for this shit. Yeah, you know, we I was what in my forties, they were in their forties, and and this shouldn't be happening, period, at any age. But come on, you know, people are doing this in their thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, and it's ridiculous. Y you know, and so you you do have to get rid of them. You know, and I dumped those friendships. It hurt a little bit, but it was necessary. So today we're gonna talk about how toxic people bait others, why they do it, what a toxic personality actually looks like, how to respond without losing your peace, and how to protect your energy moving forward. So let's dive in. What does baiting actually mean? Baiting is a form of emotional manipulation. It's when someone intentionally says or does something to provoke a strong emotional reaction from you. Anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, jealousy, fear, hurt. You you know, often they're trying to make you feel bad, basically. And it's like, why would somebody want to do that? And we're gonna dive into that. It it's extremely toxic behavior. More than likely, they're jealous of you, you know, or they see you happy all the time. They want to provoke some sadness, misery loves company, but we're gonna dive in more. And so, how does this baiting look like? It looks like a friend making a backhanded compliment. And you know a lot of us have experienced souls. It's a it's a compliment that ends in a put down, right? Or someone posting inside jokes publicly to make you feel left out, you know, or you you didn't get invited to something, you know, that's happened to me, and that person wanted to tell me, Oh, we made these plans, but you can't go because um one of the other persons doesn't like you, and it's like, did I need to know that? And I've had clients tell me this stuff, and it really, you know, at the time it shocked me. It was hurtful. This was years ago. And you know, clients get hurt, you know, people get hurt over this stuff. It's subtle digs as jokes, they say something off when they go, I'm only joking. No, they're not joking. That's very passive, aggressive, toxic behavior that is baiting, bringing up your insecurities in front of others. Ooh, you know, yeah, some people do that stuff. Sometimes people are in relationships with someone who would do that, or you've had a parent do that, or a sibling do that, suddenly ignoring you, so you become anxious and chase them. And yeah, you know, it's like one thing I learned early in life never chase anyone, you know, and that kind of upsets them when you don't chase them. But people who need to be the center of attention want to be chased, right? They want to know that they're special and everybody wants to be around them, so they will create trauma to see if people will fight for them and they get mad at you when you don't. And I suspect that I've been baited because I didn't react the way that I was expected to act in situations. I wasn't chasing, sometimes I get real passive, and I'm just like, whatever. And people want to see a reaction. It's like I've been through enough hell, you know. Why do you want to see a reaction? And when I talk to people who have gone through this, they go, I just don't understand. I thought we had a good connection, and so it exposes something when people act this way. It exposes that the person who you thought was a good person, our friend, our good partner, our healthy relative is not. Baiting is not accidental, it's strategic. This is planned, and they do plan this stuff. You if you reflect back, you'd be to see this was well thought out, and it is meant to destabilize you. They want you to feel unstable. And they, you know, you could be having a good moment and they say something awful to shake you up and ruin the rest of your day and leave you reeling and thinking about what they said, and you see them smiling. It's like, why are you smiling? You know, you know, and it's like, oh my god, you you know, they're they're kind of scary people, I think. Toxic people want you emotionally because emotional people are easier to manipulate, control, or blame. So they want you emotional, right? Because they want you to just be like a tool for them, you you know, that they can, you know, toy with. So when they say something hurtful and you react, they get to say, see, you're dramatic, you're too sensitive, you're the problem. So then the gaslighting comes in with the baiting, right? And so it's an emotional entrapment. Why do toxic people bait others? It's crazy, right? And this is this part is hard to accept, but incredibly freeing once you understand it. People bait for four major reasons. Number one, they crave power and control. Your reaction feeds them, it gives them a sense of superiority, and they are able to knock you down a notch, right? Because more than likely they do it to people that they're jealous of, intimidated by, or they want to see hurt or fail. And so if they can make you cry, explode, or doubt yourself, they feel in control of the dynamic. Number two, they thrive on chaos and drama. Toxic individuals often have internal chaos that they refuse to address. Yeah, they're a hot mess. So they create external chaos to distract themselves, right? The more chaos they don't have to sit with who they are, and you you know, they just can get caught up in what they did to somebody else, and they can avoid and they can say, Well, that person's a hot mess. You see how emotional they react. I'm not that bad, my life's not that bad. Drama becomes their entertainment. They stir the pot, light the match, and wait for the fire. Boy, do they? Number three, they need to feel important. Baiting also serves as attention seeking. Your emotional response gives them narcissistic supply. I do believe a lot of them are narcissists, you know. It reassures them that they still matter, that they can still affect how you feel. Yeah, they you know, some people just love to do that stuff. It's wild, but I believe a lot of us have experienced it. You know, I was just thinking about the other day, and I said, I gotta do a podcast on this. Number four, they want to destabilize your confidence. Okay, if you come across as confident, you're a target. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't be confident and you should play small, you know, but know that you're gonna be a target. And if you are a target, it's a way to say, these people can't be in my life anymore. It may be shocking, it may be hurtful, but at least it helps you get rid of toxic people. Because a confident person is hard to manipulate, so they want to destabilize your confidence. A confused person is easy to control, right? When we get confused, haven't you noticed that they go in for the kill and they start really just you know trying to make you feel doubtful and doubt yourself and doubt your relationships with other people? When they bait you, they are trying to knock you off balance so you question, Am I overreacting? Did I misread that? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should apologize. You know, it's a form of abuse, it really is. You know, once you doubt yourself, they win. And and that's really their goal, because they feel low, they feel small, and they want to feel big. You know, toxic people are unhealed people, right? Um gentle truth. People don't bait you because you're weak. They bait you because they're weak and they're empty. They want to bait you because you're strong and they're trying to take away your strength and your confidence. They bait you because your light threatens their insecurities. Your confidence threatens their fragility, your growth triggers their stagnancy. That's really what it's about. Baiting is about them, not you. The sneakiest form of baiting is what someone says this about you, right? And so so this is the one form of baiting that is especially toxic and incredibly common when someone tells you that people are talking about you or that someone says something negative about you. It's like why they need to tell you, you you know, and I went through that a few times personally, so I put on my Facebook page and I told all my friends, I said, if any of you ever tell me what somebody said about me and it was negative, our friendship is done. I'm not gonna end the friendship with them, our friendship is done, because I had someone do that, and they were still friends with the person that told them, supposedly told them this negative thing about me. And it's like, what is that about? And you know they're trying to have upper hand, like we're friends, but you're not. You you know, you can't trust them, but I could trust them, so it creates some weird triangle, and I've heard this from clients, and you know, it's pretty sickening, but people who want to be the center of attention, they want to make sure that no one else in the circle is close because they want everyone looking to them, so that's why they do this stuff. And I've known people who try to block friendships. Like, I I'm a little bit of a connector. I like when I have two friends that don't know each other, know each other, and they become friends, and I'm like, ooh, that that's good, but some people get threatened by that, they want to keep all their friends separate because then they can control the narrative, and so they have to do this. Well, someone said this about you, and that one said that, but yet they're staying friends with this god-awful person that they want you to think is awful. Make it make sense, right? So this is baiting at its finest, it's designed for maximum emotional reaction, and yeah, that's what it's designed for. Toxic people love to say things like everyone was saying this or that about you. Well, I didn't want to tell you, but someone doesn't like you. People think you're too much. Yeah, the person who's saying it is the one who thinks you're too much, it's not other people. I shouldn't repeat this, but I think you should know what they said. Mm-hmm. That's when I tell people, stop talking, I'm done. And I cut that person off. Don't come to me with that. And I tell my clients, you don't let anybody come to you with that mess. You don't want to hear it. It's not you being in the know or having upper hand, it's you being harmed by someone who's supposed to be um someone that is a safe person. You find out that the person telling you this stuff is not safe. Notice how vague it always is. No names, no details, no context. Sometimes they do bring up names, especially if they're trying to separate friends, you know, or or divide family members, they will, you know, but often no, and they want you spinning and wondering. And because the goal isn't truth, the goal is still emotional destabilization. This tactic accomplishes three things. It triggers insecurities. Hearing that people are talking about you hits the nervous system instantly. It creates fear, shame, confusion, doubt, right? Um, it makes toxic people feel powerful. Now you're unsettled, you're questioning yourself, you're trying to figure out what you did, and they get to sit there and watch it unfold, and usually they're smiling. Notice when people smile when they're telling you something negative, mm-mm. That's a huge red flag. Cut them off. It isolates you from others, yes. That's the goal. They don't want you to be popular or have people like you or have friends, and they want you to hide and isolate because you think everybody's talking about you and you have no friends and the family doesn't like you. So if you believe someone said something cruel, you pull away because of it, right? You start isolating, which gives a toxic person more control over your emotional world. This behavior isn't caring, it's it isn't protective, it isn't honest, it's a most it's some manipulation, it's emotional bait, it's abuse, it's even narcissistic abuse. And it is one of their favorite ways to get a reaction without being the one who looks openly confrontational, right? It's very passive, aggressive, backhanded, you know, and they act like they're on your side when they definitely are not. I have had people do this to me too. People I thought were friends. They would casually drop comments about negative things someone's supposed to said about me. But I do something now. You know, not only will I cut them off, I I tell them, you know what, I'm gonna go to that person and talk it out with them. And that freaks them the hell out because they don't want me to say nothing, right? Because it ruins their plan. And that's one thing you do. If somebody tells you something negative, you say, you know what, I'm gonna go talk to the person, see if I can work it out with them and see where they're coming from. I bet you the person who told you that stuff is gonna look like they're about to pass out. Um, but when I asked who said it, they suddenly couldn't remember or didn't want to say anything, or the one per time that they told me the name, I said, you know, I'm gonna talk to them. You should have seen that you should have seen the expression. It was gold. That's when I realized they didn't want to help me, they didn't want to do anything, right? Good. They wanted to provoke me, and I walked away from that friendship and other ones, and I encourage you to do it. Don't stay around people like that because they will hurt you. They already are hurting you with this nonsense nonsense, and they would do worse. And when something bad happens to you, they're gonna be celebrating. Remember what I said in other episodes, and I believe I also blogged about it. You want to have good people around you so that when hard times come, you are supported, and you guys support each other, and it's a healthy relationship, right? That's important. So anyone who enjoys watching your confidence drop is not your friend, they're not even a loving family member if they're family. So that is something to remember, and you know, I'm intentionally sharing my story because you know, I I think it's good for you know, showing the examples and how many of us go through this, and in my younger years I didn't understand it now. You know, I just have a boundary. You do it, you're out. I don't even want to have a discussion with you. Go fuck off, you know, excuse my language. Um, but you kind of have well, you do have to do that because those people are dangerous. We have to stop giving people chances. In my younger years, being an overgiver, you know, rescuer, overly compassionate and empathetic, I gave people too many chances, but now I know no one and you're done, zero tolerance, and it's made life better. So hopefully you're practicing the same or you will get there and watch how amazing your life is, and you're manifesting even gets better when you do that. So when I have people do this to me who I thought were friends and started baiting me, they would make comments. The comments were just sharp enough to hurt, but subtle enough that if I pointed it out, I'd look dramatic. Like, oh, I didn't mean any harm. I didn't know you were gonna take it this way. They knew. Um they would show closeness with others, as I was saying before, publicly, but exclude me to create jealousy. Or, you know, there's still close to the person who said the bad thing about me, and it's like, okay, they're playing us. Um, they would say things like, Oh, I forgot you were coming, or everyone felt this way, not just me. And so it did feel calculated, it felt mean-spirited, and it felt like they wanted me to react so they could blame me for the fallout and that I'd be the problem person. So, yes, I had to do what was necessary but painful, dump those friendships. Don't keep anybody like that around. I'm gonna keep on saying that because some people want to have friends so bad they keep crappy ones around. Don't you do that? Don't do it. So walking away wasn't easy in my younger years, but when it happened as I got older it became very easy, you know? And but you cannot stay where you're being emotionally toyed with. That's staying in an abusive relationship. Too many times we're at we're identifying abuse with being hit and punched, and yes, that's abuse. But you have to look at verbal abuse. And it doesn't just come from a bad romantic partner or bad parent. It could come from friends, it could come from many avenues. So I learned something important in my younger years. A friend who needs to make you feel left out in order to feel significant is not a friend. Hello. And I hear people tell these stories all the time. You know, a friend who watches you get hurt and feel entertained? It's not a friend. It might even be like pathological, right? A friend who consistently triggers you and calls it a joke, it's not a friend. They're jealous of you. They got issues. Loss is painful, but holding on to toxic people is so wounding. You will wound your soul. So keep that in mind, you know? And so that is important to understand. So we're gonna go in a little bit more about what a toxic personality actually looks like. Toxic people aren't always loud. Some are quiet, some are charming. I mean, there are some very charming narcissistic people out there. There are some charming sociopaths, psychopaths. Wasn't um Ted Bundy charming at one point, that serial killer? So some of them are very charming. Some appear spiritual, successful, or kind. A lot of people in the spiritual community are toxic because they haven't gone to therapy and they just jumped into spirituality to bypass everything, but they haven't healed anything. And you see a lot of that in a spiritual community. Um, but here are the traits that reveal toxicity. They lack empathy, they don't feel remorse when they hurt you, they feel justified. They smile or they smirk, right? They try to control the smile because they know it's bad, but deep down inside they want to smile big and be like, gotcha. They thrive on attention, admiration, or emotional reactions. They feed off of your responses. You know, the best thing you can do is just give no reaction. It really upsets them. They play the victim when confronted. Oh yes, they do. I've seen that. Suddenly you're the problem. They deny, deflect, or blame. They manipulate through guilt, silence or exclusion. Their tools are subtle but powerful. They are inconsistent on purpose. Warm one day, cold the next. And it's very confusing because when they're cold, you're like, is this a bad person? Then when they're warm, it's like, oh, they're not that bad, maybe they're just having a bad day, right? But they're very much like that. This inconsistency keeps you emotionally hooked in case you confuse. They cannot celebrate others genuinely. Your success threatens them. If you have a good relationship, if you are in shape and they want to be in shape if you have a good job, if you're smart, if you're pretty, if you get attention, if you're confident. They are threatened by that. Your healing threatens them, that you are brave enough to heal, right? Your boundaries threaten them for sure. They can they create problems and call it miscommunication. They love stirring the pot and acting innocent. Toxicity isn't defined by one action, it's defined by a pattern. It is definitely a pattern of repeated psycho harm, confusion, blame, and emotional instability. So, how to respond without feeding their behavior? This is important because even if you're gonna plan to cut them off after that, don't even give them that one moment that they're dying for to make you emotional, to crack you open, to destabilize you, to see sadness. Don't give them none of that. So when you recognize baiting, which sometimes it takes a moment, replay some of your interactions with certain people that your you know your stomach was like, oh, this isn't right. You get a knot in your stomach, or you feel some tingly all over. And you know, replay it and see what they said so that you can start recognizing it and you can practice how to deal with it. So the best response in one word is silence. Not the silent treatment for strategically non-engagement. Here's why toxic people can weaponize anything you say. They cannot weaponize silence, no matter what you say, they're gonna twist it. Don't defend yourself. They don't want clarity, they want conflict. Don't explain yourself. They had twist your words, yeah, they're good at that. Don't react emotionally. Your reaction is their fuel. They get off on that. Do not give them access to your inner world. They will use everything you say against you and walk away ASAP, walk away early. When you see these patterns, believe them. What do they say? When people show you who you are who they are, believe them. Do not wait for the big proof. The little things are the proof, and it will get bigger and bigger because they're gonna need a bigger high. You become the crackpipe for them, right? They want to get high, you know, so they're gonna keep on trying to gaslight you, especially if they are very insecure and feel small. Cut the cord completely. Blocking someone isn't immature, it's energetic hygiene. You are protecting your peace. You don't owe toxic individuals a front row seat to your peace. Okay, because they just want you to feel at war with yourself because they feel at war with themselves because they won't do their work and they need to be cut off. You know, I could go on forever because I've had so much experience with it personally and clients, and you you know, it happens to all sorts of people, but the more successful you are, the happier you are, the more at peace, the more you overcome. You're a target for this nonsense. So you got to get these people out of your life because their energy will take you down. You can't heal them, you can't fix them, you can't elevate them, but they will destroy you slowly, and they will get off on every moment of it. So I want to close with this gentle truth. You're not dramatic for reacting to baiting. You're not too sensitive, you're not imagining it. Toxic people know exactly what they're doing. They bait others because they have unhealed wounds that turn into behavior designed to create pain. Hurt people, hurt people, but it is not an excuse. No excuses. You never have to stay in relationships that demand emotional self-abandonment. Because if you deal with these people, you are abandoning yourself. You you are doing it to yourself. I'm just gonna shoot straight. Been there. You never have to keep people around who feel entertained by your discomfort. No, you need the right people around you. You never have to shrink yourself or question your intuition. You better not shrink. You know how I feel about that, and you deserve to be great, you deserve to stand in your greatness, whatever that is. The moment someone intentionally tries to destabilize you, you're allowed to walk away. Say, I'm not entertaining this, I'm out. You want to save your energy for good people who deserve your energy, and you deserve relationships where you feel respected, safe, appreciated, and seen. You know, if they're seeing you as a threat, they gotta go. Thank you for listening. Yeah, you know, wow, I I honor you and you know, I get it. Been there, and if you ever want to discuss this more, yeah, you know, please feel free to, you know, post a comment on any of my social media pages. So thank you for listening and have an amazing day.