Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Why Some Answers After a Breakup Injure the Heart Instead of Healing It

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 20

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Some questions sound like they’ll set you free, but this one rarely does: “Did they sleep with someone else while we were apart?” We get honest about why that answer almost never soothes and how to replace it with conversations that actually rebuild trust, safety, and direction.

We break down what’s really being asked—“Do I still matter to you?”—and why chasing facts during a breakup or situationship often becomes emotional torture. Instead of digging for details that inflame comparison and replay, we sketch a practical framework for repair: explicit agreements around exclusivity, weekly check-ins, and shared definitions of honesty, commitment, and communication. You’ll hear how sex during a separation is often a coping mechanism, not a verdict on your worth, and why meaning-making is what hurts most.

We also look at the somatic layer. When you’re dysregulated, any answer feels like danger. We talk through grounding practices and timing your tough talks so your body can hold the truth without spiraling. Then we lay out the questions that move you forward: Are we rebuilding something real? What do you need to feel connected? What do I need to feel safe? What agreements will protect us next time? If you’re navigating a break, a situationship, or a fragile reunion, this conversation gives you language, structure, and a calmer path to clarity.

If this helped, follow the show, share with a friend who needs relationship clarity, and leave a review to tell us the question you’re retiring for good.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today is an episode about a question that I don't like being asked. I have to be honest. Usually I'm totally open when it comes to doing readings and coaching, but I don't like this question, and I definitely tell you why. The question is, did he or she sleep with someone else while we weren't together? This is a loaded question. And truthfully, I realize that people really don't want to know the truth. They think that they want to know, but they really don't want to know. And whenever I had to say yes, I believe so, they get upset. And I tell people stop asking questions that will upset you. Very firm on that. You know, if you're not gonna be comfortable with knowing, don't ask. So maybe you were married and separated for a while, that happens, right? Maybe you're dating and took a break from each other. Maybe you were in a situation ship. There's a lot of those these days, right? Maybe the relationship was undefined, confusing, or inconsistent. But this urge to ask is very common. If they slept with somebody else or is sleeping with anybody else, but here's the truth that needs to be said. This question is almost never helpful, it never brings peace, especially if you're not ready for the truth. So, in this episode, I'm gonna try to help you understand why this question is so emotionally loaded. What you're really asking, and how to find the clarity you actually need. Because a lot of times people are in situations and they're hoping for no monogamy and commitment, but they haven't discussed the guidelines, especially in these situationships, or when you take a break, did you guys say you're gonna be able to date other people or not? Um when you're separated in your marriage and you don't know if you're gonna get back together. Did you say, okay, if you date somebody, fine, it doesn't work out, we'll work it out. The communication is not there. Let's just be honest. People are not communicating the way that they're supposed to in their relationships, and that is causing the sadness. And so a lot of times people are hoping that nothing happened and the person was faithful and naturally and only desire them when they're on a break or they're broken up. I've had people ask that question. It's like, you guys have been broken up for a year or two. More than likely, they could have dated someone, slept with someone, had a one night stand, anything. Anything's possible. Sometimes the answer is no. Surprisingly, some people just don't want to be bothered, but quite a bit of times the answer is yes. And I tell people, do you really want to know? And they're like, Yes, I want to know. And then you tell them, and you can just hear it in their voice and their energy shifts, and they see it as, oh, well, I didn't want to hear that. It's like, well, you asked a question that could be either yes or no, and you know, I try to be kind and compassionate and empathetic and sensitive, but there's no way to handle this. It's a yes or no question. And then people get in their head and they start comparing, well, do they desire this person more than me? It gets messy. Don't ask this question because you don't really want to know the answer. So let's get into the real reason people ask this question. Let's start with the heart of the matter. When someone asks, did he or she sleep with someone else while we were apart? What they want isn't information. What they want is reassurance. They want to believe that nothing happened. They're really asking, do I still matter to you? Was I replaceable? That's really what they want to know. Did you replace me with somebody else? Did you find a better lover? What happened? Did you move on from me quickly? A lot of people have a hard time, even when it's a breakup and they claim that they want the breakup, they don't want the ex to move on. I you gotta let go. If if it's really over with, let go. And if they broke up with you and you're not ready to let go, talk to a therapist about it. Because yes, when we're dating and we're in a relationship with someone, and if you're intimate with them, you're being emotionally and spiritually corded and connected to them, and it takes time for that energy to separate. So definitely talk to someone if somebody broke up with you. Definitely do not try to go through it alone. Time doesn't heal all wounds, that's just a saying. You know, and they wonder, is there someone better than me? We have to let go of this. There's different connections, different energies. It's not about someone being better than you or prettier or smarter or any of that. And even men have this concern. And then people are like, Well, do they still love me? They might, but they're trying to move on, right? And sometimes we have people who we hold in our hearts. You know, I I have an ex that I will hold in my heart forever, but I know we're not meant to be together. And you know, it's okay. And you know, a lot of times people are wondering, well, if they did this on a break, do I feel safe with them? Can I feel safe with them again? Can you trust them again? So I'm not doing the whole cheating. I'm gonna do a whole nother episode on infidelity and cheating. This is all about this question during that happens when you guys are apart, when you guys have agreed to a breakup or a timeout or whatever, or you're in a situation ship. A lot of times, if you're in a situationship, they're sleeping with other people. They they are. It's rare that they're not. So the question isn't about sex, it's about self-worth, safety, security, attachment, and abandonment fears. But it's just not a good question if it's gonna hurt you. I'm not in the business of hurting people, I'm in the business of being honest, but I have no desire to hurt people's feelings. That doesn't do it for me. If you're asking because you want reassurance, the truth will not soothe you, it will devastate you. And even if I say no, part of you is gonna be like, is that true? You know, sometimes people say, Are you telling me the truth? It's like, I'm in the business of integrity. I can't lie, it's not right. Um, because no answer would give you the emotional repair you're craving. It just won't. That's why you want to have clear communication on these breakups, situationships, all the things. You've got to have clear communication so that you're not hurt and you know what you're walking into. So let's talk about this in more detail. And you know, for us women, women ask this question more than men. Men want to know they get angry too, they get hurt too. But I talk to more women, right? And for many women, this question comes from trauma, not clarity. You know, when they grew up, they didn't always feel safe or feel they've maybe felt abandoned or dealt with betrayal, fearing rejection, constantly bracing for the worse. It happens a lot to women, and and you know, most of us women have had a relationship that was bad, maybe even more than one. And so it's like there's pain there. And so your nervous system tries to protect you through information seeking. And so this question is asked because you're seeking information, but it may not have the results you like. So you think if I know everything, I can protect myself from getting hurt. But in relationships, this doesn't work, knowing everything. And you know, I will discuss a podcast on affairs, and people think they want to know all the details. No, you'll be hurt. The nervous system believes that knowledge equals safety. But the truth is knowledge without emotional regulation is torture. I don't want to torture anybody. When trauma is driving the question, you're not asking for insight, you're asking for a guarantee. And there's no guarantee in love. Wouldn't it be nice if there was? You know, love is all about vulnerability, and a lot of us had to heal to be able to feel safe being vulnerable. So do you want the truth or the truth that hurts less? And and I always say I can't win for losing with that question. So here's the uncomfortable part. Most people ask this question hoping the answer will be no, but they still don't believe it when it is no, and they're like, Are you sure? And it's like, well, from what I can see, right? No psychics 100% when it's a no. So either way is not good. They want truth, but only if it's painless. And even when it's painless, they're not sure if they can believe it because of past trauma or they have trust issues with the relationship. They want honesty, but only if it confirms that they were still chosen and the person didn't desire anybody else. But you know, I want to say this: when people take this time away, sometimes they are seeing what else is out there to see if they're with the right partner, right? And so they do go on a dating spree, they do have a one-night stand, they do do things. And if you're on a timeout, if you don't say, look, we stay monogamous to each other or we don't date anybody else, they can do it, right? So please communicate your expectations, it will save you so much grief. And you know, people want closure, but only if it validates their worth. And sometimes your worth won't get validated, you'll get hurt. But healthy communication cannot be conditional. If you ask this question, you must be ready for the answer. And most people are not. Come on, let's keep it real. It's a it's a horrible question, but it's a common one. I've been doing this work, I've been reading for 25 years, 21 years on the platform. This question gets asked a lot because it's relationship-based. So it's not a good question. So, why the answer almost always hurts, even if it means nothing, right? Even if it's a no, let's talk about the reality of relationships. When people are apart, whether separated, confused, or broken up, they often do things from lonely loneliness, fear, or sadness, or they could be seeking their own validation, right? That happens often. That the person you know who ends up sleeping with someone during the break or the timeout, they're like trying to find out are they still desirable, are they worthy, are they with the right person, should they go back, right? They're trying to f figure it out, and that's why it happens. So sex is part of that process for some people, not for all, but for some. You know? And you you know, most people aren't ready for this question. You can ask a loaded question with the preferred outcome in mind, but that isn't seeking truth. That's seeking emotional safety, which is nothing wrong with wanting to feel emotionally safe. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But with a question like that, more than likely you won't have emotional safety. Only if you hear it from the horse's mouth. You have to ask them directly. And so that's two different things, right? If you want emotional safety versus the truth, it does not equal the same thing. It just doesn't. So this answer always hurts. Let's talk about the reality of relationships when people are apart, right? Even if they sleep with someone and it means nothing to them, they go, Oh, it wasn't that great, it's the one I stand, it wasn't great sex, whatever they say. Um, it may mean nothing to them, but it means everything to you because it becomes about the act, and the act is very sacred to some people. And you know, they just they're especially if you see sex as something you do out of love, care, total intimacy and connection, and finding out someone that you're separated from is doing it with somebody else, it's gonna and you haven't healed from that breakup or that separation, it could be traumatic, you know? And so remember your nervous system attaches emotional meaning to the act, and that's why it's affecting you. You interpret it as they replaced me. They didn't replace you. There's no replacing you, right? Everybody's unique. They just moved on, but they didn't replace you. I wasn't enough. What is enough, right? It's so subjective. What does that even mean to be enough? And y you know, it isn't about you being enough, it's about the other person and what they thought they needed to do. They moved on too fast. There's this desire that people are sitting around grieving and soaking and pain and hurting for a long time, and even if the you know, a person wants to break up, sometimes they want to hear that the person isn't over them. And I know that's an abandonment issue, I know that's a trauma response. You know, when you hear that someone moved on too fast, but some people refuse to be single. Some people will have a person lined up when they know that they're going through a breakup with someone, they have the new person lined up. Some people are just always in relationships, they're not going to be alone. And then you start thinking they didn't love you, but they loved you, it just wasn't the way that you want it to be. Remember, love isn't a universal action, and everybody responds to love differently. And that's a hard concept because in society it is fed to us that love is universal, and if people love you, they won't hurt you. But really, communication is the ultimate form of love, and people need to do that part more than saying, I love you. They need to communicate and they need to act accordingly, right? Have clear understanding what your expectations are. And when you break up, you have to release the expectations. You do, but I see people get hurt, they're like, Wow, they already moved on. Some people just do. That's their coping mechanism. Um, they didn't need me. It isn't always about that. Yeah, you know, it we some people want to feel needed, but it isn't about being needed, it's about that other person. They're dealing with their own nervous system regulation and their own trauma responses, right? And then believing that you weren't special. You you know this word special, and I have a blog coming up on specialness, because a lot of people want to be special and believe that they're unique and they stand out and they're the most desired and the most attractive, and only good things happen to them because they're special and they don't have to suffer. Um, they hurt themselves. You know, special is an illusion. It really is. And y you know, I plan to go into detail about that in another podcast. And then people believe they enjoyed someone else. Maybe, maybe just for the moment. It's hard to know because relationships we we just sometimes people don't know what they're looking for. They really don't. And they're just out there seeing. They weren't thinking about me. Sometimes they are thinking about you, but sometimes people think, well, this relationship didn't work, just have to move on. Um, they didn't grieve the loss. That's a big one. But how long is a person supposed to grieve for? And I tell you something, sometimes the person who's asked me the question has moved on, but they want the other person to grieve the loss. It's just interesting. Um, how long, right? What's the appropriate amount of time? We can really get hurt when you think that somebody's supposed to be pining for us even once it's over. And if you're in a situation ship, you really have to have the guidelines. It may seem cute and fun, but feelings are gonna come. They always do. If you're sleeping with somebody, the feelings are gonna come. You're exchanging energy, it can't be avoided. But you know, but most of the time the meaning you attach to you know all of this has nothing to do with what actually happened. Sex during a breakup is usually a coping mechanism, not a statement about love. And that's the truth. A lot of people use sex for different reasons. But once you know, you can unknow, and the spiral begins, it becomes mental replay, comparison, hypervigilance, and emotional torture to just replay it over and over, you know, and so don't don't analyze it from your eyes. We analyze other people's actions from our point of view, and we hurt ourselves because we're not getting the truth. And even if they tell us something, we don't want to believe it because we're too busy in our pain. Don't do that, because then you're torturing yourself. And you know, now the relationship repairs harder, not because of the act, but because of the story your mind has created about it. So even if you guys get back together, there'd be hurt, there'd be resentment. Some people be like, Well, can I even trust the person? It's like, well, you're on a break. You know, and if it was done only on a break, yes, you could trust the person. If they've been monogamous while you guys are together together, then sure you can work through that. But you know, we have to let go of this illusion that when we are not in a relationship with someone, that they're not going to sleep with someone else. You only should be concerned if you're in a committed relationship with someone, not when you're broken up because you could just break your own heart. Healing and your clarity does not come from asking this question. Did he or she sleep with someone else while we were apart? Your healing comes from asking questions as far as, and this is what you really need to be asking instead of did they sleep with someone else? Are we rebuilding something real? Because one thing you know now, you guys got a lot of talking to do. You gotta talk, talk, talk. Are you committed to working on trust with me? You know, these are things to ask them. You can ask me the reader, but you gotta ask your partner. What do you need to feel connected? Right? Ask yourself that, ask your partner that. You know, if you need help with that, ask the psychic. We can help you ask the coach, they can help you. What do I need to feel safe? Ask yourself. You have a right. How can we move forward with honesty? Honesty is very important. How do you get there? What agreements do we want in the relationship moving forward? If you don't communicate, the relationship will blow up. Guarantee. What is our communication plan? Yep, lay it out there. You know, some couples they do like a weekly check-in on what they like, don't like, what they want more of the whole thing. Do that. What expectations do we both have about exclusivity? Very important. Because these questions lead to repairing everything, more clarity, becoming more aligned with each other, emotional safety, direction, commitment, understanding. You don't need the sexual history from the separation, you need the future planned for the reconnection. Because otherwise, you'll get stuck on oh my god, they slept with someone else while we were apart, and then all you just start spiraling. You'll just spin and spiral. Truth that heals is different from truth that harms. Please know that. Okay, the somatic perspective. Your nervous system cannot handle that level of truth yet. It just can't. This is where your trauma-informed you know, knowledge. This is this is for the trauma-informed knowledge, right? This is where you become more trauma-informed about yourself. Your nervous system cannot process emotionally charged information when it is when it is already in a fight, flight freeze or fun response, right? You you may just be too triggered. And so if you ask this question from an emotional state, a dysregulated state, your body perceives the answer as a threat, even if there isn't one. And you could just spiral, you can hurt yourself, you could spin for days, you could feel bad, you could get depressed, you could take yourself down a road you don't need to go down. And this is why people spiral, obsess, compare, and break down in the comparing. Oh, I need to do a podcast on that alone. Your body is reacting to the emotional earthquake of information that you're not ready for. It's a hard question. Don't ask it. You're asking for information, and your nervous system actually needs reassurance, safety, consistency, and emotional regulation. You don't need to know what happened, you need to know where the relationship is going. Are you guys getting back together? Are you gonna repair the marriage, repair the relationship, move from a situationship into a relationship? What are we doing here? So I'm gonna leave you with this. Asking if they had sex with someone else during a breakup does not give you closure. It gives you pain. It really does. I know 20 25 years of this question. It does not help you rebuild, it makes rebuilding harder. You'll be resentful, you'll be hurt, you won't be at a trust. You'll you'll be like, he didn't tell me the truth, he didn't tell me the truth. You'll be comparing, you don't want to do that. It does not tell you anything about your worth. It only reopens old wounds. That's all it does. The truth is, if you're not emotionally ready for the answer, that question will destroy your peace. Oh, will it? So focus on what you really want. You want emotional safety, you want clarity about the relationship, and that requires communication nowhere around it, even if you're scared, even if you're vulnerable, you know, even if you're triggered, you gotta do it. Honesty moving forward, that's what you want. You want commitment, you want values, you want connection, consistency, healing, trust, communication. That's really what you want. So I want to thank you for listening today. This is a hard one. This is a hard question, and it's so important, you know, that this is discussed, right? And that you keep it real with yourself about what the answer may be, that it may be something that you don't want to hear, so don't ask it unless you want to hear it. I I cannot stress that enough. My heart kind of aches. I'm probably too emotionally involved in this work sometimes because I care about how people feel. Just do. Can't do it differently. Um, but I will be honest with you for better or worse, because that's the commitment. You are old integrity for me when you call me. So I want to thank you for listening. See you in the next episode, and have an amazing day.