Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Is He/She Going to Treat the Next Person Better? A Hard Truth About Toxic Partners

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 17

Share episode

Send us a text

What if the voice telling you to “love harder” is the same voice keeping you stuck? We tackle the gut-punch fear so many carry: if I leave my toxic partner, will he be better for the next person? With clear, compassionate guidance, we separate fantasy from pattern, potential from reality, and love from emotional labor so you can stop fixing and start healing.

We dig into why love can’t heal someone who refuses to change, and how the fixer identity forms from old wounds around abandonment, scarcity, and approval. You’ll hear the somatic truth your body already knows: chronic anxiety, hypervigilance, and drained intuition are signs you’re carrying a load that isn’t yours. We explore love bombing, why the honeymoon phase looks like progress, and the hard fact that people don’t heal out of convenience—they heal out of commitment, consequences, and consistent work.

Then we pivot to your path forward. When you leave, your spirit begins to return, your nervous system detoxes from chaos, and your energy becomes available for your life. We lay out practical markers of healthy love—repair, respect, honesty, and shared responsibility—and how to redefine your standards so you stop accepting emotional crumbs. If you’ve ever wondered whether you “weren’t enough,” you’ll learn why you didn’t fail him and how patterns repeat until the person chooses growth. The goal isn’t to make him better for someone else; it’s to be better for yourself, now.

If this message lands in a tender place, take it as a sign that your boundaries are strengthening and your intuition is waking up. Press play, share this with someone who needs the reminder, and subscribe for more soul-level conversations that protect your peace. When did you know it was time to stop fixing and start choosing yourself?

Support the show

SPEAKER_00:

Hello and welcome to another episode of Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about a question that keeps so many women stuck in heartbreak, confusion, and self-blame, and just overall stress. That question is if I leave my toxic partner, will he be better for the next person? You know, I get asked this often or I hear, well, you know, I'm gonna do all this work on him, and then I, you know, he's not gonna, you know, heal in enough time while we're together. But if I leave him, watch him be better for the next person. And underneath that question is something much more painful. It's did I pour all my love and healing into someone who will finally change, but not for me? And if your body tenses up hearing this breathe, you know, just take a deep breath in, let it out, you're not alone. And nothing is wrong with you. But we're gonna talk about what's happening on a somatic, emotional, and spiritual level, because it's almost like women, we are such fixers, and we will try to fix someone and think that the love that we have should heal them, when really that's taking on a big responsibility, because our love can't heal someone unless they want to heal and do better and be better, and if you're dealing with someone who has addiction problems or violent or something like that, they need professional help. So you loving them, it it isn't enough, and you know it really is, and I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just facts, but you know, it's probably something that you learned growing up. If I just show enough love to my parents, they love me back, or you know, somewhere along the way it was learned that you had to do these things in order to receive love, and it will burn you out and it will kill your spirit. So let's talk about why this question cuts so deep. This question is isn't really about him. Yes, it is as far as he's got a problem, he's gotta fix it, right? But it's about you. It's about you understanding your worth. You're worthy of so much better, a stress-free relationship that comes with ease, not with you fixing so and that's a lot of work. Woo! And I've seen women get tired and burned out. You you gotta know to walk away, and it's okay. I know people go, but I invested so much time and stuff. Yes, because you didn't stop when the first signs came, which is understandable. We try to give people a chance. We're we're energetically connecting, we get caught up, and we stay in the wrong place too long. You know, people have done that in friendships, romantic relationships, with family members, with whatever, right? It happens, but it will lower your worth and your emotional labor. Good lord. I've seen some beautiful, smart, intelligent, amazing women just lose themselves and a partner, and that might be because they're afraid of being alone, or you know, it's been so hard to find someone, they really like the person, the person has some good qualities, but the good qualities are not outweighing the toxic, unhealthy qualities, they just aren't. And so you're putting in all of this work, and you're gonna get nothing but sadness, hurt, and disappointment. And you might even start thinking, why doesn't he love me? Because he doesn't love himself, and a person can't love you more than what they love themselves, it just isn't possible. And so you're you end up barking up the wrong tree, right? So the fear of being forgotten, women, we want to stay forever in someone's heart, even if we're done with them, even if they're bad for us, right? Um, the wounds around abandonment, you know, you know, have you been abandoned in the past? So you're gonna fight for this one. It may be bad, but you're gonna fix this situation, come hell or high water. You're gonna make this work, and you're gonna pour love like crazy into this person. You're gonna be patient, kind, and understanding. And these are things that women we are subconsciously taught since we're little girls. And, you know, I'm 55, so especially my generation, and I think you you know, all the way I I would say it's still ongoing, but it's less more now. Women are getting more freedom that they are more than a relationship, but it's there for a lot of women in their late 30s, 40s, 50s. It's there. And I was in my 20s, I seen the peer pressure of women wanting that MRS degree while in school. So, you know, abandonment will cause us to, you know, really work ourselves for approval so that they stay, don't go. I remember when I lived in the projects, I seen women in abusive relationships cry when a man left, and I'm like, honey, he needs to go. You know, I even told one guy, get out. I I couldn't stand hearing them fighting. And so your identity becomes the healer in the relationship. You don't have a partner, you have a project, you have a client, you have a patient that you are trying to heal. And remember, healers have their own wounds that they need to heal, but you know, there's some bypassing with healing others, right? There just is. That's just facts. It's you know, all of us who try to heal and fix somebody, we have some wounds to take care of. I know I was born a fixer, and I had to do work around that, and so let's get honest about ourselves so that we can save ourselves and have the relationships that are desired, right? So most women who ask this question aren't asking from ego. It's not an ego at all, and I've never heard the arrogance of any of it, or you know, I did all this work and some just gonna get with some so-and-so, and you know, they benefit. No. They're asking from injury, from emotional wounds, from trauma. You are conditioned to be the one who faux who holds the emotional world together, even when you're falling apart yourself, right? People will lose themselves in relationships because they're trying to keep it together and they forget who they are. Like a lot of people, when they break up, they're like, I I don't even know who I am anymore. They lost themselves, and that's why this question hurts so intensely. The somatic truth about partners, because remember, this is a very important part. Here's what nobody tells you. Trying to fix a toxic man is destroying your spirit, but you know this. You don't even need no one to tell. You know this, but you're bypassing it, hoping that one day it'll pay off because we're taught work hard and it'll pay off, and we somehow transfer that into every aspect of our life. And so it's not because you're weak, but it's because your soul was never meant to carry his healing. We can't fix another person for the people in the back. You can't. Love doesn't conquer all. We got to stop with this cliche stuff, it's destroying us. The person has to be ready. Only the person can heal themselves. They're the only person they have to get sick and tired and be ready to go down that painful road. Because if somebody's toxic and abusive, they got some stuff to deal with, right? And it's deep. Okay? And you can't fix it. And it may cost you your life if you continue to try to fix it. We know it does for a lot of people. We know this. Your nervous system was not designed to rewrite his childhood trauma. You can't. You can't regulate his unchecked anger. You can't. It's not possible. His stuff runs deep. You can't absorb his emotional chaos, it will destroy you. You cannot mother his inner child. It isn't like one day you're gonna say, I love you, you're so wonderful wonderful, you're so amazing. He's gonna look at you like yes, I'm ready to heal it all. Yes. I know your love for me will do this. It's not gonna happen. You can't heal his avoidance, you can't rescue him from himself, but you can rescue yourself from this mess. You can heal you, you can take care of you. You've been doing spiritual CPR as someone who doesn't want to breathe differently. Because this more than likely has been who this person is in other relationships, and more than likely they told you that the other person was a problem. That's usually how it goes, right? They never do anything wrong, they're the victim is the other person. So you get with this person, they're love bombing you in the beginning, and then their true self comes out, and you're in a load of mess, right? And then you got caught up because they love bomb you, and you're thinking, well, this should be okay, this will work, and it doesn't. So you know, you can't save them, but you can save yourself by walking, even if it's painful, because you deserve better. You do. That's just the truth. Um, but you know what? This is why you're exhausted. How many like if you've ever done this, then you notice how tired you become, even if you sleep, you eat right, you exercise, you're just mentally, physically trained and tired. Your intuition gets lower, it dims when you're with him, right? This is why your light feels smaller because you keep pouring energy into a wound he refuses to treat. And and so there are some men with women like this, but I hear this mostly from women. I do. Now here's the truth that may sting, but will ultimately set you free. He will not magically become better for the next person. It doesn't work that way. Patterns like that that run deep that have trauma connections are not gonna magically heal because it gets with the next person, and you know, she's just amazing and um healed. No, it doesn't work that way. He will simply repeat the same patterns with a new partner. That's just the truth. People don't heal out of convenience, they heal out of commitment. Okay, and he isn't committed to healing yet, he's committed to comfort, right? Because maybe it's just too painful for him to face, but it doesn't mean you gotta stay there hoping that one day he's ready to face it. That could take 10, 20, 30 years off of your life. So if you're worried he'll suddenly be emotionally available for someone else, take a deep breath in, let it all out. You're imagining a version of him that doesn't exist. I'm gonna say that again. You're imagining a version of him that does not exist. That's who you want him to be. Someone who can get it, who can figure it out. And you might think, oh, he's just right on the tip. He's almost there. He's gonna change, he's gonna change if I just hang in in there a little bit longer and love him a little bit more and tell him he's okay and he's wonderful and all the great things. It's not gonna work, love. Um, talk to some DV domestic violence survivors, you know, go into these forums, read. They did that, they tried, and it doesn't work. It it almost cost them their life, and some it did. It did, and even if he's not hitting you or something, your soul is being destroyed in the process. So, I'm gonna answer this question. You might be thinking that you were not enough. That is not true. You're a whole package, but you gotta heal those parts of yourself that wants to save him. But let's make something very clear. You didn't fail him. It wasn't your job to fix him. You were the mirror that reflected everything he didn't want to see. Because we date our mirrors, we date reflections, we date what we haven't healed, we date our unfinished business, we we date at the level of our self-esteem. We that's how we date. That's just the truth of the matter because it's all energy. Your love didn't make him better because he didn't choose better. That's why your love didn't make him better. He chose familiar, he chose easy, he chose unconscious patterns over growth. You were never the problem. You were simply the only honest one in the relationship. So that's what it is, hon. That's really the truth here. And so please sit with this. Take all the time you need, but don't hurt yourself trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved yet. Why does it feel like he'll be better for the next person? Hmm. The nervous system grieves the dream, not the man, right? We get all in potential. Like people are like, but they have great potential. No, that's your perception, that's your projection, that's not reality. When we see that in people and they don't see it in themselves, we are projecting that onto them. Okay? When people go there's greatness in you, hey, if you don't, it's not real, it just isn't. And so the dream tells you he'd grow for someone else. He won't. It's not that simple. You notice that there's patterns, you know, like when you see the IT channel and they gather all the exes and even the current spouse, and the current spouse didn't want to believe it because they're still being love bomb, but they gather them all and they're talking and they all got the same story. The dream tells you he'll grow for someone else, he has softened for her, he'll finally show up. No, it's very painful for a lot of people to show up for life for many reasons. Trauma, abuse, they want to disconnect, they want to numb out, they don't want to feel. There is many reasons why people don't show up and can't show up. So, what you're actually imagining is a fantasy version of him, the one you built through hope, effort, and emotional labor. The beginning of every new relationship is where the toxic person performs the best, right? Love bombing, it's all good, you know, good romance, whole thing, right? There's no death required yet. They're not deep yet, no accountability yet, no habits or challenged, no triggers exposed. Because it's the beginning, it's new. That's why new relationships are so exciting. All the potential of it all is great, and we're having a good time, and it's gonna be like this forever, and then it changes. So, yes, he might look better in the honeymoon phase, but it's not because he is better, it's because he's pretending to be better, and pretending is his specialty because he knows what to do to get you. And yes, some women do this too, but I'm talking to women who date men, but they and there's even women who date other women who are toxic, right? There's all sorts of things. There's men who dated women who are toxic, but a lot of times this goes to men, and I want to say something. Not all men are bad. There are a lot of wonderful men who are doing their inner work, who are loving, kind, self-aware, getting rid of unhealed patterns, but you're just with someone who isn't there yet. Maybe one day, but it's not gonna be for the next person. It may take a DUI, it may take losing a job, it may take getting sick, it may take going to jail, it may take hitting a rock bottom for them to change, and that's just how it goes. So let's talk about this. Why worrying about him being better is a total waste of your energy. Let me say this with love and directness, you know, worrying about whether he'd be better for the next person is a waste of your time, your life force, and your destiny. It's not gonna happen. Your spirit is too sacred to be tied to someone else's potential. Okay? Because all you're seeing is potential. You're not seeing the reality, you're bypassing, you're overlooking the reality because one day it's gonna pay off all your hard work. Your healing is too important to be paused for someone who refuses to grow. You're setting yourself back, trying to heal and fix this person. It won't work. Your intuition is too powerful to be invested in imaginary futures that won't happen. Time is wasted. Some of you guys are losing your your good body years, you know, your fertility years. Don't do that to yourself, and then you wake up mad one day. Like, why did this happen? Don't do this to yourself. He will not be better for the next person. Not because you weren't enough, but because he's not willing. His story doesn't change because you left. His patterns don't upgrade because you suffered. Toxic people don't become healthy partners, they become temporarily charming with new partners. That's how it goes. You didn't lose, you escaped. You gotta know when to get the belief out. So, what actually changes after you leave? When you leave, three powerful things happen. Your spirit begins to return to you. You start to find yourself and remember who you are. You stop twisting yourself into shapes that were never natural. Okay, all the mental gymnastics and pleading and begging and accommodating, all that goes away. Your nervous system detoxes from constant anxiety. Peace feels strange at first, and that's normal. But you're going through a nervous system detox, right? Your your energy, the energy you use to spend fixing him, becomes available to you. This is when real manifesting can begin, when you get your energy back. Because if you're draining, you're hoping that all the love and everything you do will fix them, you're draining yourself. So then you start attracting. Emotionally healthy people because you're getting healthy, because you are no longer accepting emotional crumbs. And usually this is what happens when the woman gets rid of that toxic partner and she does her, she takes a break, she does inner work. The next one is so amazing. At first, she's like, Is it too good to be true? But then she settles into it and she starts celebrating being loved properly and being in a healthy connection without all that mess. Okay. On a soul level, you never lose someone who is meant for your evolution. You don't. That's the spiritual truth. You release someone who cannot walk with you into your next chapter. They're holding you back from your evolution. You didn't heal him for the next person. You healed yourself for your next level. His path is his, your freedom is yours, and no man is worth the destruction of your spirit. And I know some people are afraid to be alone, but I'm gonna say it again. Nobody, no man, no nothing is worth the destruction of your spirit. Place your hand on your chest. Feel your breath. Repeat slowly. It is not my job to fix him because it isn't. It is not my burden to carry his healing because it isn't. I release the fantasy that he will be better for someone else because he won't. My spirit deserves to be protected, cherished, and free. Yes. Your body knows the truth. He won't be better for the next woman, but you will be better for yourself. And that's really what counts. You know, the fear of being alone or getting older, you know, late 30s, 40s, and you haven't found the partner, you know, and people might even say to you, You're being picky, stop being picky. You know, people say all sorts of stuff, and that can make you think, Oh my god, I'm gonna have to tolerate some flaws. Yeah, some little flaws, yes, but no toxic abusive flaws. But then you start not knowing the difference, the lines get blurred, you get confused on what to tolerate and what not to tolerate. And this is how women get caught up, right? You energetically get caught up in a situation, and you just think, well, you know, I just gotta pour some love into it and it'll get better. And maybe because there's times in your life you thought if somebody would have loved you more, you would have been better, right? So it's very important to look at things differently. And it's very important to get honest with yourself and look at your partner and say, Is this for my highest good? Is it is this who I'm supposed to be with? Are we happy? Are we good for each other? Are we loving each other right? Ask yourself, you know, get honest. Don't go, well, it's not that bad. I have seen people overlook so much because they don't want to start over. You know, it's like so they stay in some mess and then it'll end up collapsing, and then they're shocked that it collapsed. It's like you were in something that was breaking, and so it broke. And love won't save it. And people go, Well, did he ever love me? Yes, as much as he can love himself, it isn't enough. And people get caught up in maybe they just don't love me. I almost hate the word love. I'm gonna be honest, because it gets so misused, and so many expectations come from it, and this love heals all, and love conquers all, and if they love you, they treat you a certain amount of way. I have heard people who are cheating on their spouse say, I still love my spouse. People define love differently, there's no universal, you know, definition of love, it does not exist. And I almost hate the word. I rather see the actions, communication, clarity, honesty, respect, loyalty. I rather see the breakdown of a definition. And and it's important for you to ask your partners how do they define love? And you need to know how you define love. Because if it ain't healthy, it ain't it. Um, I'm passionate about this because I see this, and I see some beautiful, beautiful. I I talk I'm lucky because I've done my work. I get to talk to great people. I don't talk to the ones who challenge my boundaries and stuff anymore. And I just see these beautiful souls, and I know what they're doing because they had to beg for love from the wounded parent and from friendships and stuff, and so they're used to doing it and they're doing it in a relationship. And it's like you don't have to, and you can stand alone for a minute to clean out the space, clean out your aura, your energy field to bring in something better. So before I start really rambling, I want to thank you for joining me today. If this episode touched a tender place inside you, take it as a sign. Your spirit is waking back up, your boundaries are strengthening, your intuition is returning home. If you're ready for deep support, you know, you know how to contact me. Go to drdonnay.com. You know, I am, you know, I can answer questions. There is ways to work with me, but at least, you know, start looking at how you want to live your life and change your life. So thank you for listening. Because you are not meant to suffer through someone else's refusal to grow. You're meant to rise into a life that honors you. Remember that. You know, you want to heal these patterns. Okay. So, until next time, I see you in the next episode. Thank you and have an amazing day.