Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Rethinking Respect: Trauma, Boundaries, And Clarity

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 25

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Ever been sure someone disrespected you, only to realize later it was a trigger talking? We open up a candid, practical guide to separating discomfort from true disrespect so you can protect your dignity without burning every bridge. With a trauma-informed lens, we define disrespect as a consistent behavioral pattern that overrides autonomy—repeated boundary violations, mockery disguised as jokes, baiting, ignoring consent, and abuse of power—while explaining why a single disagreement, honest feedback delivered with care, or someone saying no doesn’t meet that bar.

We dig into the nervous system’s role: how past humiliation, neglect, or parentification can wire the body to equate loss of control with lack of safety. That wiring can rename a partner’s boundary as an attack, or a friend’s candor as cruelty. You’ll learn a simple somatic check to pause the spiral: am I unsafe or uncomfortable, was my dignity or just my expectation violated, is this a pattern or a moment, did they cross my boundary or enforce their own? We walk through how urgency, collapse, or tightness in the chest signal different responses, then show how regulation creates clarity while reactivity creates stories.

Real-world examples make the difference plain. In relationships, breaking agreed monogamy or hiding shared finances is disrespect; disagreeing about plans is not. In families, demanding automatic deference while belittling you is disrespect; setting a boundary is not. In friendships, gossip and backhanded compliments erode trust; honest, non-shaming feedback builds it. By keeping language precise, you reduce unnecessary conflict, keep healthy people close, and let accountability land without being mislabeled as harm. The result is cleaner conflict, safer boundaries, deeper self-respect, and relationships that can grow instead of explode.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with someone who needs better language for their boundaries, and leave a review to help more listeners find trauma-informed tools for everyday life.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about a word that gets used constantly, but it's also a very misunderstood word. And that word is disrespect. The reason why I decided to do this podcast is because I made a few posts about disrespect and they were my most popular posts out of all the years that I've posted on social media. So I want to go into more detail because I see a lot of posts and comments about disrespect and everybody's thinking every time they don't like something or they're triggered that they're being disrespected. And people will say, I feel disrespected, that was disrespectful, I won't tolerate disrespect because we're being triggered. And so when we're being triggered, we feel disrespected. But very often what people are calling disrespect is actually discomfort. We have all been uncomfortable with with the situation or something that someone has said to us, and that doesn't necessarily mean that it's disrespect. But as with a lot of terms, and I I said I'm going to do a podcast about how a lot of terms that are misused and how to use them properly, I really felt like I needed to dedicate this podcast to just the term disrespect. Now, often not only are they feeling discomfort, but their nervous system is triggered because it brings them back to another time where they were felt bad, where they felt bad, were humiliated, were mistreated, and you're just like, I'm being disrespected. And also we can feel like we've lost control of the situation. A boundary is being pushed, right? It's that's what's going on. Our old trauma response is being activated. So in this episode, it's not about excusing harmful behavior, nut at all, but it's clarity how to use the term so that we can help ourselves more. Because when we misuse the word disrespect, we create unnecessary conflict, shame, help the boundaries, and we traumatize ourselves and others. And a lot of times people end up fighting. They fight in their relationships, their romantic ones, their family ones, their friends, work. Because anytime we feel bad, we think we're being disrespected when often it's an old trauma trigger. And believe me, I know the difference because I had to learn this, and I see how people feel, but remember, I'm all about healing trauma. And if we heal the trauma, it's not that we're gonna allow people to mistreat us, but we're gonna have a different view of it to where it doesn't trigger us to the point of hurting us. So what did what disrespect really is is disrespect is not a feeling, it's a behavioral pattern. So disrespect can feel like a feeling, but it is a behavioral pattern. True disrespect involves a lack of regard for another person's dignity, autonomy, or humanity. That is disrespect. Disrespect looks like repeating, violating stated boundaries. You have boundaries set and people keep on trying to cross them because they want things their way. That is what disrespect is. Mocking, belittling, or humiliating someone is disrespect. When people do that and they go, I'm only joking or a back-handed compliment. Um it's also baiting, right? I did a whole podcast on baiting. That is disrespect. Intentionally ignoring consent are limits. No means no. When somebody says no and you ignore that, that is disrespect. Using power, manipulation, or intimidation. That happens in the workplace, it happens in relationships, it happens in family structures, even with friendships. It can happen anywhere, right? That is disrespect when people abuse their power to cause harm to another. Speaking about someone instead of to them, right? They're talking about you and then they smile on your face. That's disrespect to talk about someone. That is what disrespect is. Devaluing someone's worth, devaluing their voice or their safety. That is disrespect. So when someone is being sexually assaulted, being a crime victim, you know, being verbally abused, being physically abused, those are all disrespectful actions, right? You have a boundary, someone crosses them, they're disrespecting you. I'm trying to make this very clear what disrespect is. It isn't just a one-time event. Disrespect is systemic, it is consistent and directional and often intentional. That's what disrespect is. It is not a single moment. Sometimes that's just our old triggers coming up. And, you know, we see the term used so much online on being disrespected. So everybody thinks that's what it means, right? Nobody's looking up definitions of anything, just like they don't know what narcissist means or bipolar means, or you know, there's a lot of terms that people no longer know what they mean because they see them being used online and they think they're being used properly when they're not. It is not a misunderstanding. We have misunderstandings all the time with people. You have them with your partner. Your partner is not disrespecting you by having a misunderstanding with you. It's when they cross your boundaries, when they break the relationship guidelines. That's when they're disrespecting you. We have disagreements with people. It is impossible to get along with someone all the time. Virtually impossible, even with people you love and you like. Okay, so disrespect is not a single moment, it is not a misunderstanding, it is not someone disappointing you once. We get disappointed in people, I get disappointed in people. You've probably been disappointed in me if you work with me. Um, you've been disappointed in someone, they've been disappointed in you. That is not disrespect. Real disrespect says I do not see you as equal. That is what real disrespect is. I do not care how my actions impact you. I don't care if I hurt you, I don't care if I harm you. That is disrespect. I am entitled to override you. That is disrespect. That is the difference. Not one time you felt bad because somebody says something you didn't like and you go, I feel disrespected. And you know, we're obsessed with respect in society, right? Everybody wants respect. And then you hear someone say, Well, respect is earned. You know, but a lot of people, I know I grew up, I'm 55, I grew up where elders wanted automatic respect, and we noticed that some of those elders were abusive and they still wanted respect, right? No matter what they did. So a lot of times this word respect is misused, and so is disrespect. And I want to make everything clear because I'm always trying to help people to see things from a different perspective so that they won't hurt so much. I'm a fixer, remember? And so this is how I do my fixing is through education, you know, and this is very important for me to discuss this topic. So, what disrespect is not? Let's continue on this journey. This is where trauma creates confusion. Many people label the following as disrespect, but it is not. Someone telling you no is not disrespect. A boundary is not disrespect, it is not rejection either. People will feel rejected, and they're like, I've been disrespected. That is not disrespect, it is not a personal attack. That is not what disrespect is. People have the right to say no. You don't have to like it, but they have a right to say no. For a traumatized nervous system, no can feel unsafe. It could bring back triggers of being rejected, and then you turn it into a being disrespected, even if love wants require compliance. Okay, but discomfort does not equal disrespect. Some people are not gonna like this podcast, but I have to tell the truth. Discomfort does not equal disrespect. Someone honoring their capacity is not dishonoring you. They are saying this is what works for me. We all have boundaries, and we don't want anyone to cross their boundaries. And if someone says, Well, I feel disrespected because I can't cross your boundary. They can feel disrespect, but that's not what disrespect is. Someone having different feelings needs her opinions. Disagreement is not disrespect. Expecting people to agree with you is not reality. A lot of things I say people don't agree with me, and I've just become okay with that. They're not disrespecting me, they just see it differently. Trauma often teaches if you don't agree with me, you're against me. That is a survival adaptation, not truth. Respect allows for differences. Respect allows for differences. Disrespect demands sameness. It says, if you don't agree with me, you are disrespecting me. Not so. So when changing or outgrowing a dynamic, growth is not betrayal. We just do. I've outgrown people and people have outgrown me, and you move on. It's not disrespect. Evolution is not abandonment. When someone no longer plays a role your nervous system depends on, it can feel destabilizing, even threatening. Because we all keep people in certain positions, right? And when they leave that position, we feel abandoned, you know. So evolution is not abandonment. It's not disrespect either. When you outgrow your partner or they outgrow you, it's not disrespect. It happens. So when so when no one when someone no longer plays a role your nervous system depended on, it can feel destabilizing, even threatening. But that feeling belongs to your trauma history, not their behavior. Someone not managing your emotions for you. It is not disrespectful for someone to hold their own boundaries, to stay calm while you're upset, to refuse to engage in emotional chaos, to decline responsibility for your triggers. That is emotional maturity. That is what it is. Trauma can misinterpret regulation as coldness, but they are not the same. So remember that. Someone doesn't have to respond the way that you want them to. And that could be hurtful, that could be hard to hear because we have this another thing which it just starts, it drives me crazy. People go, well, if they love you. You know, we see the pulse. Well, if they love you, they're gonna always make you feel good, they're gonna always understand you. They may understand you, but they may not have to agree with you, and that's the difference. That is the difference. Okay, someone giving honest feedback without cruelty. Very few people can give honest feedback without cruelty. But like there are people who can do it in a loving way. That is not disrespect if they give honest feedback without cruelty. Truth spoken with care is not disrespect. As when people are rude and nasty and try to put you down, that could be disrespectful. Avoidance is not kindness. If feedback is direct, non-shaming, non-threatening, grounded in reality, then the discomfort you feel is likely growth, not harm. This is gonna be a tough podcast, but I'm a fixer. I want to fix this for people. I want people to feel better. I'm addicted to that. Why? Okay, now we're gonna talk about why trauma confuses discomfort with disrespect. This is the most important part of the episode. Trauma wires the nervous system to equate loss of control with lack of safety. So when someone sets a boundary, when someone says no, when someone doesn't rescue you, when someone doesn't agree with you, when someone doesn't center you, your body may interpret this as danger. And your mind labels it as they disrespect me, but they did not. But what actually is happening, your nervous system is dysregulated, which we all get disrelate dysregulated. You know, I do constant work on that to stay regulated, especially for people with attachment trauma, emotional neglect. It is very common. Parentification, if you were parentified at a young age, chronic invalidation. It's easy to feel disrespected when it's really trauma. You may have learned if I'm uncomfortable, I'm being harmed. That belief protected you once, but it distorts reality in adulthood. It does, and it makes it hard, and it's hard being an adult in this world, right? Um okay, let's talk about the cost of mislabeling disrespect. When everything becomes disrespect, boundaries feel like attacks. You feel like you're being attacked when someone sets a boundary because you want that one to tell you yes when they are saying no. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable can feel like disrespect. Healthy people get pushed away when everything feels like disrespect. You push away someone who's healthy, you have you sabotage. Conflict escalates unnecessarily when you label something as disrespect when it isn't. Accountability feels intolerable, like, oh, you're disrespecting me. It gets flipped. Relationships stay shallow or volatile, you know, because if you're telling your partner every little thing they say and do disrespects you, then they're trying to hold on to the relationship. They stop being authentic and they stay shallow, and the relationship never grows or gets deeper. And eventually there's volatility, it's gonna explode, and it will end up in affairs or a breakup. It just will. So you may notice constant rupture, feeling misunderstood often, repeated relational breakdowns, constantly having problems with your relationships, personal, professional, romantic, family, a belief that people are always wronging you or they're out to get you. A lot of people believe that everyone's out to get them. When is trauma? If we can just face our trauma and it takes time, it takes years. Trauma does not heal overnight. We we are constantly a work in progress. Life just gets better. And it doesn't mean that you're bad for not healing your trauma. It means your nervous system learn to survive chaos. This is how you learn to survive it. But healing requires discernment. Discernment is hard for a lot of people to know the difference because when you're traumatized, everything's mushy, right? You don't know right from wrong, you just know you're being triggered again, you're being hurt again. So it's hard to discern. But as you heal trauma, you can find out what's really hurting you and what isn't. Ask yourself, okay, how to tell the difference in your body. Okay, we're gonna do a simple somatic check. Ask yourself, am I feeling unsafe or uncomfortable? That's important. Was my dignity violated or my expectations? That is a big one because we have a lot of expectations that are unspoken. We have a lot. That just shows I need to do a talk on expectations. It we really do. You know, this is all a part of being a grief coach. We grieve in different ways, okay? Is this a pattern or a single moment? Okay, if it's a pattern, it's disrespectful. If it's a single moment, it is not. Do they cross a boundary of yours, or did they just enforce their own boundary? That's discernment. Then notice your body tight. Does it have a tight chest? It often signals abandonment fear, right? Heat or urgency often signals a flight response. Collapse or withdrawal often signals shame. Pause before reacting. Regulation brings clarity, reactivity creates stories. Okay, if we go, here it is happening to me again. And you know, it's very important to understand the difference and to know the difference between respect and disrespect. Because a lot of times when we get hurt, we're feeling like we're being disrespected. When, you know, sometimes people are gonna do things, excuse me, that will hurt us because they've got to honor themselves. You know, disrespect. I'm gonna give some examples, okay? You are in a romantic relationship, you guys have agreed to monogamy. You guys have agreed to monogamy and someone breaks it. That's disrespect. You have an agreement on how you're gonna manage money, and they keep on messing that up, or they're hiding, you know, their spending. That's disrespect. There you're being verbally abused, physically abused. That's disrespect, but it's also abuse. So take that seriously. But having a disagreement with your partner is not disrespect. You are not gonna agree all the time with your partner, you just can't. We're two different people, we have different stories, right? Have different filters, different upbringings, different perceptions of life. So that part is not disrespect. Okay, within a family unit, you're gonna disagree with family members. I know we do all this, nothing is like family, and blood is thicker than water and all that stuff. But families do not always agree. It's when they cross your boundaries over and over, when they put you down, you know, when your elders think that you should respect them automatically. That's a problem. You know, people have abusive people in their family, and those abusers want respect. And it's like, are you kidding me? You're an abuser. Okay, so that is disrespect when something constantly happens. In friendships, if they're doing back-handed compliments, if they're leaving you out of stuff, but claiming to be a friend, if they're gossiping about you, okay, if they're putting you down, if if they're not acting like an honest friend, that's disrespect. But disagreeing sometimes is not disrespect, it's just a disagreement. We must learn the difference between disagreements, disrespect, rejection, hurt, trauma. It is so important to know this stuff. It will save you. You know, I'm trying not to be long-winded, but this is a very important topic because people get so hurt and so affected. And you know, it's always see these posts. Well, you're disrespecting me. And it's like, I disagreed with you. The person disag uh, you know, we disagreed, or someone, not me in particular, but just saying it right in first person. You know, someone disagreeing with you is not disrespect. You know, I just want to make that clear. I want to go back to some old notes here. It's very important. You have to remember boundaries being broken, disrespect. Okay? If somebody sets your boundary and you don't like their boundary, they're not disrespecting you. They set a boundary. It is what it is. I'm gonna close this out. Not everything that hurts is disrespect. It is not. Not everything that triggers you is harm, not everything that challenges you is wrong. People don't like to be challenged, right? We feel small sometimes when we're being challenged. Disrespect is real and it should be named when it exists. Disrespect is real and it should be named when it exists. But healing asks us to separate trauma activation from true violation. A lot of times we're being triggered from old trauma. That's just what it is. So it could feel like disrespect, but it is not disrespect. When you learn the difference, boundaries feel safer. You're able to respect other people's boundaries and you feel safe with your own boundaries. Conflict becomes cleaner because you don't get caught up in them being disrespected. You're looking you're like, no, we just have a difference of opinion. Relationships become healthier, self-respect deepens, peace becomes possible. You're not weak for being triggered, you have unhealed trauma. That's why we get triggered, our unhealed trauma, period. And you are powerful for learning discernment to learn the difference. Let your healing mature your definitions. Your nervous system deserves accuracy, not alarm. You already feel the truth. That is what's important. So I hope this helps you. I'm probably gonna do some more posts on disrespect and what it is and what it isn't. But thank you for listening and have an amazing day.