Soul Talk and Psychic Advice

Reclaiming Boundaries: Why “No” Protects Your Yes

• Dr. Donna • Season 1 • Episode 32

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We explore why “no” feels dangerous for people pleasers and empaths, and how reclaiming it restores self-trust, nervous system regulation, and healthier relationships. Practical scripts, mindset shifts, and ways to handle pushback make setting boundaries simpler and kinder.

• why “no” is a complete sentence
• people-pleasing as a survival adaptation
• lies that say no needs approval
• boundaries versus negotiation
• predictable pushback and guilt trips
• no as protection for your yes
• nervous system strategies to pause and respond
• clear scripts for firm, kind refusals
• when no feels like loss during change
• relationships revealed by how others handle your no
• self-trust as the base for healthy love

Thank you for listening and have a great day.


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SPEAKER_00:

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about a simple phrase I can feel incredibly hard to say and to live by. And that word, which is also a complete sentence, is no. No is a complete sentence, not no because, which we often do like us people pleasers and overgivers, we constantly overexplain ourselves, right? Um not um saying no, I'm sorry, but you can start there, right? If you're not ready to say a complete no, but you don't have to explain yourself. And it's also not letting let me explain my trauma, my schedule, my finances, my energy level, and my childhood. No is just no. So you don't have to say because, you don't have to say I'm sorry, but you don't have to say, due to my trauma, due to my schedule, due to my finances. You can simply say just no. Now I am realistic because I used to not be able to say no when you feel guilty, and you know, if you have unhealed trauma, you're used to pleasing people. And so I understand how hard it is, but my goal, and yes, I'm a compassionate, empathetic person, but I'm also a tough person because I know you gotta fight in this thing called life to really survive. And saying no is very important because when you say no to others, that allows you to say yes to yourselves. So for many people, especially empathic sensitive or trauma-aware people, saying no just doesn't feel uncomfortable, it feels dangerous. It's like I can't say no, I'm gonna make myself unsafe. This episode is about why that is, why no does not require justification and how reclaiming your no can change your nervous system, your relationships, and your sense of self. It can. It could change everything, you know, once you reclaim your no. And it is empowering once you get used to saying it, and every once in a while I like to say no, sweetheart, or no, you know, I'm busy, but it's still no. But really, if you say just no, it may seem short, but it's still valid, and you have a right to just say no, and people can ask why, but you don't owe them an explanation. So why saying no feels so hard? Let's talk about that. If you struggle with saying no, it is important to understand this. You didn't just wake up one day afraid of disappointing people. That isn't what happened. Many people learned early that love was conditional. A lot of times, you know, you have to fight for love, beg for love, and you certainly can't reject whatever someone throws at you, right? And approval had to be earned. Big problem. Um needs were inconvenient, so if you had needs, you shouldn't. Everybody else's needs should go first. Boundaries led to conflict. They can. And you know, we talk about boundaries all the time throughout my various um podcast topics. Saying no resulted in withdrawal, anger, or guilt. That can happen. So your nervous system learn saying yes keeps me safe. And yeah, because when you say no, you make it true, like, oh my god, I'm in danger, so I just say yes, make them happy, and yeah, make them happy until the next time they expect you to say yes for something even more. Um, but over time, no becomes associated with rejection, punishment, abandonment, shame, being seen as difficult or selfish. I don't you notice that some people you hear them say that person's selfish, and it's literally because that person told them no. And you know, we're lived in this day of an age of technology where everybody thinks they can message you and demand something from you, and when you don't do it, they feel rejected, so they call you selfish and self-centered. And really, we're all on a limited amount of time. We all only have 24 hours in a day, and once you subtract sleeping six to eight hours, you really and then if you go to work for at least five days out of the week, you really don't have much time left for your family, for yourself, for what's important. So don't let people call you selfish or difficult, but they will, manipulators will. And I would do a whole podcast on manipulation, that would come up. This isn't a mindset issue. This is a survival adaptation. The lie that we were taught. Let's talk about that. Most people were taught directly or indirectly that no must be justified. Yeah, we were definitely taught that. You learn that your no needs to be reasonable, right? It just can't be just because. Your no must be understandable. So that you're hoping that the person isn't as upset, right? Your no has to be approved. A lot of times people aren't gonna approve your no when you tell them no. They're actually gonna have a fit. Um your no is only valid if others agree with it. So these are the lies that were told, right? That your needs, your no needs to be reasonable, understandable, be approved, um, and it's only valid if others agree with it. Imagine that. That is what is expected. But here's the truth. If your no requires permission, it isn't a boundary. It is a negotiation. Yeah, you're not setting a boundary, you're negotiating. And boundaries that require negotiation are not boundaries at all, right? Because your boundary is your boundary. People don't have to like your boundary, it's not about them. You know, but you have to like it. And if part of you is feeling triggered, like, oh my god, was it okay to set that boundary? Then work on that, work through that, heal that, because yes, you have a right to set your boundaries. So definitely remember boundaries are not negotiable. Why people push back when you say no? Let's discuss that. Because people push back for many reasons. It's weird because some of the people who give out when you say no expect other people to respect them when they say no. Because a lot of times people get in the taking position because of their unhealed trauma and and hearing no is very much re making them feel rejected, right? And so they can't handle when other people say it, but then when they say no, it's like I'm standing in my power. So if they have a right to say no, so do you. Bottom line. So when you start saying no, you may notice guilt tripping. Oh, yes, people will guilt you. They're questioning you. They minim they minimize your reasoning. You know, people say we have time for what we value, or you can make time, you're not that busy, you don't have kids. How can you be busy if you don't have kids? You hear it all, right? You only work one job, yeah. You know, you'll hear all these reasons because people have decided that you owe them instead of you owing yourself first. And people will get angry, they withdraw. I've had people just stop talking to me when I said no to something, and I'm like, okay, now I know who you are. You know, so sometimes no is a good way to get rid of people that shouldn't be in your life. Attempts to persuade or override you, that can happen. You know, when I hate the phrase don't take no for an answer. And people misuse that phrase because if someone says no, it's no. But I think that don't take no for an answer is like if one door closes, look towards another door. It isn't, oh, you keep on banging on the door that is shut and tells you no. You know, so no doesn't mean yes, no means no, and if you want a goal, you just gotta go somewhere else. That's what they mean by don't take no for an answer. You just keep on fighting, but you go in a new direction and you leave the no a wrong alone. That's what you do. So that is very important to understand. This reaction is not proof that your no is wrong. If people get angry or question you or get angry or minimize at you or try to persuade you, you know, your no is not wrong. It's often proof that someone benefited from your lack of boundaries. They're used to you saying yes. There are people who are who are the go-to people in society, right? You know, you go to them, they will say yes to you no matter what. And some people have no shame. They will ask for more and more from the yes person. And they feel like you're not gonna tell me no. So they don't even question should I even be asking for this certain thing. They just feel like they own it, they deserve it, you know, from you. And so that is very important to keep in mind, is that when you first start saying no to people that you say yes to, they're gonna freak out on you. They probably start talking to you. They're definitely gonna be mad because you were their guarantee and you're no longer the guarantee. And it's often also proof that someone is uncomfortable with change. They don't like how you're changing. Have you ever had someone say to you, you're changing, you're not the same. What they're saying is, I don't like that you're putting yourself first. That's really what it means. I've been told that before. Someone expects access that they're not entitled to. There are a lot of people. They feel like you should just give them your time, no matter what you have on your plate. They don't care about what you have, just meet their needs. People who respect you will respect your no. This is how you find out who your friends are, who respects you, who loves you. They will respect your no. People who don't will ask you to explain it. You really don't need to explain it. Sometimes I do explain things because I'm like, this is why I feel this way, and sometimes my explanation is even meaner. So I try not to be mean, but I get very blunt. Like I need a lot of private time, I tell people I need a lot of private time. So no. And then I say, look, I I'm an empath, I can only handle so much of people, people can be overwhelming. And that could come across as, oh, you don't like people, or you think you're better, or you think people are beneath you, but you know, I like to explain. I'm an empath, I get overwhelmed. I need space, I need to be aloner at times. And people don't like that when you say you'd rather be alone than spend time with them. They take that personal, it brings up their abandonment, their attachment, their rejection issues. So there was my tangent. So let's talk about how no is a boundary, it's not a rejection. It really isn't. One of the biggest fears around saying no is they think I don't care. I used to worry about that. I think a lot of people who are afraid to say no worry about oh well they think I don't care because that isn't what I'm saying. You know? But saying no does not mean you don't love them, it doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean you don't value them, and it doesn't mean you're abandoning them or you're being cruel. You know, we say no for many reasons, but people are gonna filter it how they filter it, and you can't control how they filter your saying no. You just have to learn to stand stronger in your no. So it means you're honoring your limits. That's what it means. You're listening to your body. Maybe you're tired. So you know, people who always say yes, other people are really tired, they often get sick, sometimes they get autoimmune diseases. There's a lot of studies on that. Um that's why boundaries are so important. And you're choosing integrity over resentment. Let's talk about that. When you say no, you're being you're staying in your integrity because you're being honest to yourself. And have you ever told someone yes and then resented doing that? Resented saying yes to them, and you feel like, oh my goodness, I say yes, I have to follow through. So if you say no, you get to stay in your integrity. Saying yes when you mean no is what actually damages relationships. Imagine that, right? But that's what really damages relationships. Um, because resentment always leaks out eventually. Yeah, a lot of people become very resentful when they keep on saying yes. And really they get mad at the person who's constantly asking them to say yes, when really they gotta be mad at themselves and stop saying yes. So that's important. So the nervous system and the need to explain. Oh my goodness. When you feel the urge to explain your no, pause. Just take a deep breath in. You're allowed to. Fake a cough. Just say, Oh, I gotta catch my breath. Do that so that you can pause. That urge usually comes from anxiety. You know, a lot of people get anxiety when they feel the urge to explain their no, fear of misunderstanding, fear of conflict, a need to be seen as good, all this oh oh, I hate the phrase being a good person. A lot of people want to say, I'm a good person. Why? Why do you care if someone thinks you're a good person? Because what you perceive as being a good person, another person may not perceive that. You can be given to everybody, doing all the things and being kind and loving, and the one time you say no, all of a sudden you're a selfish person. So don't get caught up in that. Needing to be seen as good by others. You can't control what people think about you anyway. That's their own issue, their own filter. So they're not authentically thinking about you, they're thinking through their filter, how they view you. So your body may feel tight. A lot of times we tense up, right? Um, it may feel urgent or pressured, our response for others' emotions. A lot of times we say no and we're looking for the other person to be okay with what we said. Please be okay, don't hate me, don't stop being my friend, don't stop loving me, right? But you can't get caught up in that. So this is your nervous system seeking safety through appeasement. But here's the reframe. You're not responsible for regulating someone else's discomfort with your boundary. And oh, it's not people with unhealed trauma, right? You do that. You will try to regulate other people's emotions and you can't win for losing. Sadly, when people are in an abusive situation, they're trying to regulate their abusers' emotions to feel safe, right? And and you just can't because the abuser is abusive. And they're gonna be that way until they learn to regulate their emotions. So discomfort is not danger. Silence is not abandonment. A pause is not a crisis. It really isn't. So you're allowed to feel that way. You are allowed to do you and take care of you. What it looks like to practice no is a complete sentence. Let's make this practical. A regulated grounded no often sounds like no. Just no. That's a regulated grounded no. It sounds like that doesn't work for me. You can say that. I'm not available for that. I'm going to pass, I'm choosing not to. You can say it that way if you just don't want to say no. You know, that's cool because you're giving a little bit of explanation, but it's still very firm. When you say I'm going to pass, yeah, that's still no. That doesn't work for me, that's still no. I'm not available for that, that's still no. I'm choosing not to, still a no. No apologies, no justification, no emotional labor. If more words come out, let them come from clarity, not fear. And remember, you don't need to explain something to make it valid. It's valid for you. And you don't have to explain it. You don't have to tap dance tiptoe, you know, give 20 million reasons. You don't have to. So when no when saying no feels like loss, let's talk about that. That is so important because for some people no can feel like a loss. You may feel sad, lonely, guilty, afraid of being left. A lot of people feel that. And a lot of times in a relationship, if a person has abandonment issues, they will do whatever to please their partner, right? And so they never say no, they never stand up to themselves, they never do anything that they think can cause that person to leave them. So really we struggle with saying no because of that fear of loss, right? And you are gonna feel sad, guilty, lonely, afraid of being left at first, but then all of a sudden you realize, I'm okay, I survived, I am surviving. This doesn't mean that you made the wrong choice, it means you're breaking an old pattern. Imagine that. You're breaking an old pattern. Growth often feels like loss because it feels like freedom. And it will take time for you to really feel free and liberated. It comes naturally if you keep on working at it over time, it'll feel more natural to be able to say no and feel the freedom. And you know, I always say I look back when I really struggle with saying no. And I remember when cell phones first came about. I was graduating chiropractic school, so it's like 2001, right? We're really getting into cell phones. I used to think I always needed to pick up the phone for everybody when I first got out of school, and people would talk for hours about nothing or anything, and and then get mad when you have to hang up. And I remember when I first stopped answering the phone, it was so uneasy, and I did feel sad, lonely, you know, I feel like oh, I'm gonna make them mad. And, you know, all of a sudden I got used to just putting myself first, and I told people, I can't be on the phone all day. How can anybody be on the phone all day? Yeah, you know, and some people learned to stop calling me, yeah, some treated me differently, but it was such a freedom because although I coach clients, that's the only time I want to talk on the phone is with clients. I don't like talking on the phone. I'd rather see you in person or just do a text. And so, yeah, you know, that's when I really had to firm up my boundaries. I had some before that because I was raising a kid, I had to have some boundaries, but I got better by that time because technology has fooled us into believing that we are owed an immediate response from people. They must have seen my message, they always have their phone with them, right? How could they not respond to me? You know, I know some people who have 40, 50 unread messages, and don't you know people who have like thousands of unread emails? When I see that I'm like, one person I know have 40,000 unread emails. No exaggeration. When I saw that little red thing at the top and it said 40,000, I said, Am I reading that right? And they said, Yeah. And you know, some people just don't have time. They're just trying to manage themselves. So just remember, this doesn't mean that you're making the wrong choice when you say no. It means you're breaking an old pattern. Growth often feels like loss before it feels like freedom. So you're not losing people because you're saying no. You're losing dynamics that required self-abandonment. Because when you don't say no, when you want to say no, you're abandoning yourself. Did a whole podcast on self-abandonment. Look it up. Who gets upset by your no? Pay attention to this. You need to pay attention to who gets upset when you say no. And it will hurt at first. You're like, wow, I thought that person cared more. You get to see who really cares about you, who really honors and respects you when you say no. People who benefit from your overgiving will often be the most upset when you stop. That doesn't mean you're wrong. It doesn't mean the relation it does mean that the relationship was unbalanced. Your no reveals who respects you, right? You find that out real quick. Who expects access? Who sees you as a resource rather than a person, right? There are some people who just use people. They're like, well, if I can't get something from you, why should I be your friend? People will expose themselves. You'll be surprised. So this information is valuable when you say no and people wig out on you, right? They get weird. And the ones who respect it, it's like, oh, I will spend more time with that person. So that's important to remember. I talk about boundaries a lot because I know we all struggle with them. And it takes time to learn them. And you know, even if you see somebody who looks like they're super strong in boundaries, they might be in their head a little bit like, should I have said no? So don't be surprised. It could be a struggle. So closing. Let's close this out. Your no protects your yes, right? This is how you get to say yes to yourself because if you're saying yes to everybody else and no to yourself, you're never going to get your goals done. You're going to be tired. You're going to be like tomorrow. Then somebody else will need you tomorrow, right? There are some people they they are the go-to in their family, and they do everything in their family. And it's expected of them, and you'll see other family members like doing whatever they want to do, and then they come to you because they're used to you doing everything for everyone. You know, you go watch the their kids. You you're the one who's a caretaker for your parents, although you have other siblings, you know, and they just is expect you to keep on sacrificing. So don't do that. You have to learn to say no to other people so you can say yes to yourself so that you can work on the things that you want to work on. Even if you just want to rest and watch TV, that's your right. Um, so let's close with this truth. Every time you say yes, when you mean no, you abandon yourself. Yes, that is self-abandonment. Every time you honor your no, you build self-trust. That's how we trust ourselves. That's how that happens. And self-trust is the foundation of healthy relationships, emotional safety, nervous system regulation, and self-respect. That is the foundation of self-trust. You can have better relationships with yourself and other people. You'll feel emotionally stronger and safer. Your nervous system does regulate and you respect yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting your energy, time, or body. No is not rude. No is not rude. No is not selfish. No is not cruel. And a lot of people are so scared of being called selfish. Don't be. So no is a complete sentence. It is. So remember, your boundaries don't push the right people away. They reveal who belongs in your life. And that's the beauty of boundaries. You get to see who should I be around. A lot of people don't know who they should have in their life, and this is how you figure that out. So never be afraid to set boundaries. They your life depends on it. It really does. So I want to say thank you for listening. And hopefully this podcast topic helps you. I I know it takes time, right? To be able to say no and feel safe doing it. But as you work on regulating your nervous system and healing your trauma, it gets easier. So I want to thank you for listening and have a great day.