Why Chasing Perfect Keeps You Stuck And Exhausted

Perfection isn’t a badge of honor—it’s a costly survival strategy that keeps you anxious, over-prepared, and permanently “not ready.” We open up about how perfectionism masquerades as high standards while quietly tying your worth to flawless outcomes, and we trace the roots back to conditional love, harsh criticism, minimized emotions, and chaotic environments where control felt like the only safety available. If you’ve felt stuck in endless prep, terrified of mistakes, or allergic to visibility, you’re not lazy—you’re protecting yourself.

Together, we pull perfectionism apart from healthy ambition. You’ll hear why excellence thrives on iteration, not control; how shame turns goals into moving targets; and what shifts when you trade rigidity for flexible standards that honor your humanity. We get practical with five grounded moves to loosen perfection’s grip: name the real fear underneath, practice tiny imperfections on purpose, ship before you feel ready, regulate your nervous system instead of your image, and celebrate completion as a healing act. Along the way, we talk about public failure, why “never satisfied” is not a virtue, and how leaders who admit mistakes actually model true confidence.

As you try these steps, expect your system to wobble—feeling exposed is normal when control has been your shield. Keep going. The payoff is real: more creativity, more rest, deeper relationships, and a quieter mind. Authenticity and perfection can’t coexist, but authenticity and healing can. If you’re ready to stop performing for safety and start living with presence, this conversation offers a clear path forward.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so more people can find these tools. What small imperfect action will you take today?

Transcript

Redefining Perfectionism

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Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about perfectionism. Not the kind that sounds impressive on a resume, not high standards, not hambition, but the kind that keeps you stuck. The kind that makes everything feel harder than what it needs to be. The kind that tells you it's never enough, no matter how much you do. Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a personality trait. But it's not a personality trait. It is a wound response. And once you understand where it comes from, you can stop letting it ruin your life. And I did a a podcast on self-criticism, but perfectionism is even deeper than that. And as I go through this podcast, I will explain that to you. Now, I remember going through college, even trade school when I was 16, and I would hear women say, I'm a perfectionist, I'm a perfectionist. And I remember I would look at them like, whoa, that's incredible that you have such high standards. You know, that's how I seen it at the time, because I was just trying to get through life, right? Teen mom parents died, living in low-income housing, struggling. I just wanted to get through. I did not have the bandwidth to be a perfectionist. And I used to think someone who can do that was amazing. You know, they have such high standards, but I also remember they were quite uptight too. And it's like, oh, I don't like that part of their personality. They weren't fun-loving and easygoing. They were very wound up. And now after doing this work for so many years, and I've taken my share of psychology courses, and I realized that all that time that I thought it was so amazing that they were perfectionists, that they were actually struggling, that they actually had a trauma response. And more than likely it started in their upbringing that they couldn't be loved without being perfect, and they had to stand out to be seen and to be heard. And I just had no idea. And I still hear people to this day say I'm a perfectionist, and I kind of could look at them and say, Oh, it it's trauma. I don't say anything out loud unless I'm working with them. But yeah, you know, people are very proud to say, I'm a perfectionist, but really it's not a good thing. Because first of all, what is perfection? What does it look like? You know, it's an illusion. Because when is it enough? When do you feel like okay, everything's perfect? Are you waiting for your nervous system to settle and go, oh wow, okay, oh, it's perfect. What does it look like? And what's perfect to one person will not be perfect to another. So whose standards are we meeting? You know, anything's black and white like math can be perfect. Either you got the answer right or you don't. But in this thing called life, you you know, most of the things that we do are gray area, they're not black and white. So what would be perfect about it? So let's talk about what perfectionism actually is. Perfectionism is not the desire to do things well. It isn't. It looks that way, right? That's what I thought about, you know, those women at the time. But it's the belief that your worth depends on doing things right, that you're not worthy unless you get it right. Perfectionism says, if I do this perfectly, I won't be judged. If I make a mistake, I get rejected. Remember how I talked about in other podcasts how people are obsessed with not making mistakes? If I slow down, something bad will happen. Some people just can't slow down because they don't want to feel their feelings, right? They don't want to feel the wounds. And so it's driven by fear, not excellence. It has an illusion of excellence, but is actually driven by fear. And that's why perfectionism doesn't lead to fulfillment. And that's one thing I remember. You know, they never felt fulfilled, those ladies. Even when they were doing well and they looked smart and they were getting straight A's, they weren't at peace. And actually needing to be perfect leads to anxiety. A lot of people with anxiety struggle with perfectionism, procrastination, because if you don't think you're gonna do it right, you just won't do it at all. And that's why a lot of people don't go after their dreams, right? Because they don't want to mess up, they don't want to make a mistake, they don't understand mistakes as part of the process. Um, burnout, yes, you will burn out mentally and physically, and chronically dissatisfied. If you're a perfectionist, you're gonna be dissatisfied quite often. There's no way you can be satisfied, it's never enough. And you think that you're raising the bar and raising the level of excellence, and really you're just burning yourself out mentally and physically. Nothing good comes from wanting to be perfect, and at the core of perfection is one belief. So let's talk about the root wound of perfection. So at this core of perfectionism is a belief that it is not safe to be imperfect, and really, if you do anything that isn't perfect, it's not safe. This belief often forms in environments where love felt conditional. Right? Love was conditional. You had to be a perfect child, or you wouldn't get the love of your parents or your caretakers. You had to make straight A's and be on your best behavior and excel at whatever was expected of you. And mistakes were criticized. You made a mistake, you're stupid, you're wrong. Look at you, always messing up, can't do anything right, right? It comes from where emotions were minimized. It wasn't safe to feel your emotions. You couldn't be you, you couldn't be authentic. You just had to be perfect. When you think about it being perfect is very non-emotional, it's very numbing and disconnecting. It's not grounding or authentic at all. I always tell people you can't be authentic and perfect at the same time. And when I would post that, occasionally I just post it on you know my social media, they're like, Whoa! And they're like, Why? Why not? And I said, think about it. If you're perfect all the time, you're not being human. And so, how can you be authentic? Because part of being authentic is acknowledging your humanness, and we are not perfect beings, we are perfectly imperfect. Okay, and achievements were praise more than authenticity. Just succeed, achieve, make your parents proud, give them something to brag about because your parents' bragging was really about their ego, not about oh, you're so wonderful, right? It was to feel their emptiness, not to see you as accomplished. You had to be successful and achieve to make them feel good about themselves. That's really where that comes from. It isn't for you. And chaos made control feel necessary. So if you're in a chaotic household, you need to feel control, and you know, so that's where all of this comes from. So this belief often forms an environment that says you have to be perfect because love felt unconditional, mistakes were criticized, emotions were minimized, achievement was praise rather than authenticity being praised. And chaos made control feel necessary. So as a child, you adapt it. You learned, if I do everything right, I will be safe. If I don't cause problems, I beloved, right? You just be that perfect kid, and you hear parents say, Oh, my kid's perfect, they don't give me any problems. Well, those kids who grow up with anxiety, stress, addiction issues, um, all sorts of things once they grow up and get out of the house, some type of addiction, whether sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, something, right? Something can happen. Um, depression can happen, right? Being suicidal can happen. So uh you also learned as a kid, if I anticipate expectations, I won't be hurt. You had to be an empath, you had to read the person and read the room as a child, instead of just being a child. So perfectionism was not a flaw or a quality, it was a strategy, a life-saving strategy. This is how you survived by being a perfectionist and you did what you had to do. So yes, it starts in our younger years. And perfectionists, you might have some good moments in your childhood, but it wasn't safe, right, if you became a perfectionist. So let's talk about perfectionism and trauma. Perfectionism is common in people with trauma. Not because they're rigid, but because they learned unpredictability was dangerous. But yes, I I remember, you know, some of the adults that were perfectionists, they were kind of rigid as adults. But it was survival, right? I look back and it's like I everything makes so much sense. And it allowed me to give myself grace for not being perfect and feeling relieved that I didn't feel the need to be perfect with all the trauma that I went through. That wasn't one of the issues that I picked up. Okay, so when life feels chaotic, control feels like safety. So you control your performance. You know, you just perform, you're perfect. Your image, you have the right look, the right attitude, the right grace, the right behavior. Your outcomes, you're gonna make sure that you have good positive outcomes so people can look at you, just go, oh wow, you're great, you're incredible. You will control your mistakes because you're not gonna make mistakes, and if you do, it's somebody else's fault. You know, you can't own a mistake because it's not safe. It's not arrogance, it's not narcissism, it's just not safe. And where some of these things may cross, arrogance, narcissism, and perfectionism, I'm reading them as all separate. So I've done a podcast on narcissism, I've done one on, you know, being your inner critic, and now I'm doing one of perfectionism, and I will do one on arrogance also. But you know, trauma doesn't heal through control, it heals through safety. That's the only way that you can heal trauma is through safety, never through control. And perfection perfectionism actually keeps the nervous system on high alert. It does because you have to be perfect all the time. You're gonna worry about what people think about you and if they can see that you're perfect, that you don't make mistakes. I cannot tell you how many people I've heard it from or seen posts where they go, I don't make mistakes. It's like, are you kidding me? We all make mistakes. And I love when successful people admit to their failures and their mistakes because a lot of times we look at successful people as perfect, and if they're successful, they must get everything right. And I love listening to Gary Vee because you know he has this huge platform of like four or five million followers, and he talks about how there's failures all through the week in his business, and he makes mistakes during the week. I really appreciate him talking about those things because people need to see it. They just see his success and you know how big he is and the platform, the people that he works with and hangs out with, and that he's worth a couple of hundred million, but people need to see that perfection doesn't exist and you don't have to be perfect in order to be successful. So I really appreciate that about Gary V. So let's talk about how perfectionism shows up in daily life, and it does, because if you're a perfectionism, if you're a perfectionist, you're gonna be this way in daily life. Perfectionism often looks like procrastinating because you can't do it right, right? You don't finish that project, you don't finish that course because you're not gonna get a hundred percent, even a 90% isn't good enough, you know. Um you don't follow through on your goals, you just kind of sit still, and you know, I I talk to clients, and I'm like, what are you waiting for? And they're like, it isn't quite right yet. And I and I asked them, what does it look right? What does right look like? Do you mean perfect? What does perfect look like? Do share. And they don't know what to say, and I said, because it doesn't exist, just do it. You know, and you know, perfectionism in your daily life can look like over-preparing. A lot of people over prepare and waste so much time instead of just getting to the point of things. Are you even avoid starting? You just never get started. You never get started on that goal, that desire, and you watch other people surpass you, and then you just resent them and hate them and jealous of them because they started something that you won't even start because you're trying to do it perfectly. And every day perfectionism looks like harsh self-criticism. Yeah, you just criticize yourself and put yourself down. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't get anything right, and it's just gonna be a mess, so why bother? And then the fear of being seen, a lot of that is what it's about. And I could tell you, I've been on social media, you know, since it started, and it was so different because I worked on just a platform, and when it had its own like social media, it was like, ooh, you know, people were coming, they're gunning for me, right? Because I was achieving and I was doing well on the platform. And then I got out into the other world of social media, and then you just get all this random hate, and a lot of people who are perfectionists can't handle that. Now I laugh and I tell them be more creative when people say something rude. I'm like, that's it. You know, I kind of play with trolls, I don't just ignore them. I I kind of egg them on. I do it in a humorous way, but like a perfectionist couldn't handle that, they would just run and hide. They're like, oh my god, I'm being judged, I'm being judged, something's wrong with me. Right? It's all trauma. And a perfectionist can't rest. They're just go, go, go, do, do, do. They can't sit still. And they constantly move the goal pulse. What was once acceptable and perfect and successful is now not the standard, it's not good enough anymore, so they've leveled up with more expectations. And so perfectionism in everyday life is very tough. It's hard because you're not really living. And so you're not lazy, you're not unmotivated, but you're afraid of being exposed. And it's like exposed for what? Being human? Because that's all you can be exposed for is being human. You know, but I hear people say, I don't want people to see my mistakes. It's like, well, they're making mistakes too. We're all making mistakes. You know, let's celebrate together and laugh. You know, I even learn to let some mistakes just stay out there for a moment, you know, just to make sure that I'm okay and I don't get caught up in wanting to be perfect, and just to see how people respond. You know, loosen up on yourself. And so let's talk about why perfectionism doesn't work. Perfectionism promises safety, but it delivers exhaustion. You're never safe when you're a perfectionist. It keeps you stuck in preparation instead of participation. You're constantly preparing, constantly getting ready to take action, but you never do. I've known people who take years to work on starting their business, and it's like just start because you don't know what needs to be tweaked until you start your business. You don't know what mistakes you're going to make until you make them. But they want to have a perfect business or just perfect whatever. And that isn't real, you know, and also your your joy is delayed. That's why perfectionism doesn't work and it prevents completion. What do perfectionists complete? Anything? Hardly anything. And it disconnects you from others because you're so worried about being judged and exposed that you don't form connections the same, not even with your romantic partner. And perfectionism is never satisfied. People who are perfectionists are never satisfied, and that's not a good thing. I used to hear people say all the time, I'm never satisfied. It's like that's not a good thing. And somebody told me that now, like, well, isn't that kind of sad to be never satisfied? Doesn't mean your standards are high, it means they're insane. You can't even reach them to where you can't enjoy satisfaction. And it's because the goal isn't excellence, it's avoidance of shame. You're trying to avoid shame. And shame has no finish line. You can't avoid shame. Somebody's gonna shame you, somebody's gonna criticize you. Look at the most successful people and just read their comments. You you know, you you just find people saying things about successful people who you know they are successful authors and speakers and singers and songwriters and whatever, right? They're successful. And you just see people make negative comments about them. You know, at the very least, they try to criticize their parents. They gotta find something wrong to to diminish them, right? So you can't stop that from happening. It just does because those people have their own shit to deal with, right? They're un unhealed stuff that makes them criticize. And so all you can do is start accepting yourself for who you are and saying that you're enough. So the difference between healthy standards and perfectionism, let's talk about it. Healthy standards are flexible, they adapt, they include humanity. You get to be a human. You adapt, you change with your standards. Perfectionism is rigid, it's all or nothing, and it's punishing. Healthy standards say I do my best today. Perfectionism says if it's not perfect, it's a failure. One encourages growth, the other encourages fear. So healthy standards allow for growth because you're adapting and you get to change them without saying it's not good enough. You just kind of see what works. We don't know what works until we start working, you know? We have to start doing to know what's good and what's not. So let's talk about how to start letting perfectionism go, how to let go of it. Here's what actually helps. First name the fear. Ask yourself, what am I afraid will happen if this isn't perfect? What will happen? Some people think they'll lose their job, and no, you won't unless it's something major, major. Um, do you think you'll be judged? Do you think you uh be hated? Will some childhood trigger come up where you're told you weren't good enough, you're stupid, you're always making mistakes. What will happen? You know? Second, practice imperfection on purpose. Just send an email without reading it ten times. Yeah. Post before you feel ready. Yes. Let yourself be seen mid process. You know, the biggest companies make mistakes. Just the other day, a lender that I I used. To um deal with um someone in their company sent out a mass email and expose all of our information. And I shouldn't laugh because you know people want privacy, but I'm like, this is a big company making a stupid mistake that actually some people could sue over. And it was just a reminder that all levels there are mistakes being made. Nobody's being perfect. Third, shift from outcome to regulation. Instead of asking, is this good enough? Ask, do I feel safe right now? That's important. Fourth, soften that inner voice. Replace punishment with guidance, correction with compassion. Fifth, celebrate completion, not performance, right? Done is better than perfect. Done is healing, perfect is avoidance, right? Just do it. You can always tweak it. We always redo our websites, you know. My poor VA is always changing something, right? You know, we're always changing things. It's fine. You know, what is perfect? Okay, so let's talk about rebuilding safety without perfection. As you let go of perfectionism, you may feel exposed. That's normal. Your nervous system is learning. I don't need to be flawless to be okay. Over time, something shifts because you no longer have to be flawless. You create more, right? You're more creative, you trust yourself. You can see how amazing you are. You rest more. It's okay to rest. You don't have to keep long hours and late nights. You connect more with people because you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to be seen. Because if you're perfectionists, you're not being vulnerable. It's unsafe to be vulnerable when you're perfectionist, so you can't have a deeply connected relationship with your romantic partner or with anyone. You enjoy more because you realize, oh, I get to relax, and you get to appreciate the little things in life. Because you're no longer performing for safety, you're living. Life is too short. We don't have time for all this stuff. You know, we just gotta live and enjoy. So I'm gonna close this out. Perfectionism is not who you are. It's something you learned when being human didn't feel safe. You don't need to get rid of it overnight. You don't need to shame yourself for it. Shame doesn't work. You just need to stop letting it lead. You are allowed to be seen while learning. We all are learning every day. You're allowed to be loved while being imperfect. You're allowed to move forward without certainty because life is uncertain. You can have one plan, that plan gets thrown in the toilet. Healing doesn't come from getting it right, it comes from letting yourself be real. That's how you heal. Healing is authenticity. You can't heal and be perfect at the same time, just like you can't be authentic and be perfect at the same time, but you can be authentic and heal at the same time. And so healing comes from letting yourself be real. I want to thank you for listening. Hopefully, this helps you. And I see you in the next episode.