How To Stop The “Is There Something Better” Mindset

We talk about the “something better” mindset and how it quietly erodes peace through comparison, constant scanning, and dissatisfaction. We break down how to choose what we have with more presence, regulate the nervous system, and find joy in the life that is already here. 
• the subtle way “better” thinking steals joy and fuels resentment 
• how social media and cultural upgrade pressure distort what “good” looks like 
• the paradox of choice and why more options can reduce satisfaction 
• nervous system scanning as low level anxiety and why safety supports joy 
• relationship patterns that keep one eye on the exit 
• perfection fantasies as a trauma response and why imperfection matters 
• living in the knowing by trusting decisions and investing daily 
• gratitude as active awareness and a spiritual practice 
• practical regulation tools like breathwork, yoga, EFT, and somatic work 
If this conversation resonated with you, I encourage you to share it with someone who might need to hear it. 

Transcript

Welcome And The Hidden Thief

SPEAKER_00 0:00

It's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about something that quietly steals a lot of people's peace. It does. It's very subtle. It's socially encouraged though. And most of us don't even realize that we're doing this. And I believe that everyone has done this at one time or another. And you want to know what it is? It's that constant feeling that something better might be out there. You know what I mean? A better relationship. A lot of people there with someone and they say to me, Is there someone better out there? And I asked them, Why are you with this one though? Don't settle in life. You know, and I asked them, is something wrong? No, but is there something better? What does a better look like? A lot of people don't even know a better job. Yeah, some people are in jobs that aren't so great, but look at the stability, look at the pay, even if you're bored a little, especially in a time of our economy, you know, and they don't know what they're supposed to be feeling at work. A better opportunity, a better house, a better version of life. And I find all of this interesting because there is that social construct that isn't always out in the open, right? But it does say have the best, get better, you know, better job, better relationship. Even you you know, a lot of people have great partners. I was watching this a clip of this podcast on Instagram, and this 24-year-old woman stands up, she says, Look, he's been with me through two brain cancers, two brain surgeries for cancer, right? And he's even bathed me, he's done all these wonderful things. Should I stay with him? And the audience froze, I froze. And they're like, Well, what's wrong? And they're like, Well, he's not taking me out on dates. It's like this person stayed in your darkest hour. That's a green flag, that's a winner. And she didn't know that because they weren't going out on dates, and she's probably looking on social media and seeing people date, and and you know, the panel had to remind her, look, he was there for you. You know, he gave you something that a lot of people leave their partner over. And, you know, it still didn't look like it was registering to her. But and I don't blame just her age, I blame you know, what we see on society all the time, thinking, well, I'm not happy right now, and this person looks happy. You're looking at a picture or a video in a moment of time, and so you know, something's wrong with my life. And a lot of times, nothing's wrong with a person's life. And I will sit with clients and I ask them, what's wrong? What's going on? Right? What what is the struggle here? And they're like, I just don't know, something's missing. So we're gonna dive into this. And so while growth and improvement are healthy parts of being a human being, trust me, it is, there's this mindset that slowly erodes joy. It's the belief that what you have right now is never quite enough because something better might exist somewhere else, and this is what gets people in trouble, this is what makes people miserable, this is what can make people depressed, make them hate them lie their life, resent their spouse, their kids, etc. This is what gets us in trouble. Today we're going to explore why the mindset keeps people from it from experiencing peace, joy, and what I call living in the now, living in the moment, living in the knowing and having true peace. Peace comes when you're grateful for where you're at now. So let's talk about this cultural programming for better, because it exists. We live in a culture that constantly tells us to upgrade, right? Upgrade your phone, some people do it every year. Upgrade your lifestyle, gotta live large, gotta have a nicer home, you you know, it's always more, bigger, better. Trying to fill a void, upgrade your partner. Look, if there's abuse, domestic violence, something toxic going on, yeah, you need to leave. But if it isn't those things, why leave? You know, upgrade your body. There's this constant thing where you gotta have the perfect body, or you're not taking care of yourself, or you're not healthy, or you're not loving yourself and upgrading your career. You know, it's interesting because people think and and I'm all about going to college, they think that have any job with a degree is better than a job without a degree. Did you know that there are plumbers and electricians and you know, even the people who pick up the garbage who could be making two hundred grand a year? Y you know, so we have to change our mindset instead of how things look to other people and really look at what we have now, and I always tell my clients, look at what you have now and and be grateful for what you have now. So this message is very subtle but powerful, that there is always something better and while striving can motivate us, it can also create a nervous system that is constantly scanning for the next thing. And a lot of people do it. A lot of people do it. So instead of feeling satisfied, we feel restless, right? Instead of feeling grateful, which we all need to practice more gratitude, we feel like something is missing. Instead of settling into our lives and being in the moment, we hover over them, always looking over the fence. You know, looking at the Joneses, right? That was a big phrase when I was growing up, keeping up with the Joneses. Because supposedly they were the ideal people, ideal family, ideal image. Um, but here's a deeper issue. When you're always looking for something better, you never fully arrive in your life. And I know people are looking for cafetti moments like arrived. Yes, this is so awesome, I feel it. I feel it, it's solid. But life doesn't work that way. You know, a lot of times, you know, life is very much just going with the flow, and believe me, no news is good news. If they're not getting bad news, you're good. You know, and it doesn't have to be constant excitement. Refer back to my podcast on boredom a few episodes ago. I think it's like episode 55 or 56. And let's talk about the psychological trap of you know wanting something better. There's this psychological phenomenon called the paradox of choice. Research shows that when people have too many options, they actually become less satisfied with the choices they make. This is true. This is true for anything. I remember I when I lived in Austin, South by Southwest was going on, and you know all the pay tickets were gone, but they had like 20 events an hour. And I'm like, these are all good events, and they're in different parts of town. So I ended up not going to anything because I was so overwhelmed I couldn't make any decisions and I missed out on everything because I'm like, which one was better? I got so caught up, and so it could be something so simple, or it's bigger things, especially you you know, when it comes to feeling like, well, I have so many options, I want to explore all my options. So, really, you want to learn how to settle in. So, you know, why people become less less satisfied with the choices they make. Let's talk about that because their mind keeps wondering if another option would have been better. So even if they choose something good, their mind keeps scanning. Maybe there was something better. This creates a mental habit of comparison and dissatisfaction, and that habit slowly trains your brain to focus on what's missing rather than what's present. And you know, a lot of people have good lives and they don't know it, they don't see what's working, and that's unfortunate. So let's talk about the nervous system component. From a nervous system perspective, constantly searching for something better keeps you in low level anxiety. It does, it will give you anxiety, it will make you anxious, and you're constantly scanning, right? For something better. Your brain stays in evaluation mode, scanning mode, right? Assessing mode. Is this right? Could there be something better? Should I keep looking? You know, a lot of people get a job and they're and it's paying the bills, it's doing great, and they're like, Well, I'm gonna keep looking. And it's like looking for what? It's important to know what you're looking for. Yes, if you have a job that doesn't pay the bills, you need to keep looking. But if it's paying your bills, it's got a lot of pluses. Stay. Learn to stay. I think that's the hardest thing, is learning to stay present with the moment and enjoying, and just write down little notes. Even if it's quiet, say, wow, at least there isn't chaos going on right now. You know, at least all the bills are paid. You know, look at your partner and say, This person is nice to me, they're kind to me. You know, we love each other. They don't look for this constant chemistry of being in love, and y you know, look for what's working, that you're being treated well. Look at, you know, this is safety, this is security, and that's why I talk about somatic healing and nervous system regulation so much. Because that's how you start to feel at peace. A regulated nervous system isn't about being numb, but it's being able to be in the moment. So, you know, when you say, Is this right? Could there be something better? Should I keep looking? Your nervous system never fully gets to settle. And you'll want to settle your nervous system. So when the nervous system doesn't settle, the body doesn't experience safety. You don't feel safe, even with things that are working. Without safety, the brain cannot relax into joy. Joy requires presence. Peace requires presence. But the mind searching for something better is never fully present because you're already into the next thing. I think that's y you know, the the book Power of Now by Eckhart Toley. I haven't finished reading it. I kind of skip around with books, but I would say read it and it will really help you to understand being present with the now. So let's talk about relationships and something better mindset. One of the places this pattern shows up most is in relationships. People meet someone kind, supportive, emotionally available. But instead of allowing the relationship to deepen, part of the mind whispers maybe someone better is out there. Yeah. It becomes a drug looking for someone better. Maybe someone more exciting. More successful. Right? More attractive. More spiritually evolved. And so the person stays slightly detached. They never fully open up. And you know, these are sometimes the people who go from relationship to the re to the next one, and their relationships don't last long because they're always hoping to find something better instead of being present. And more than likely, there's a trauma issue behind that behavior. So this type of person can never fully invest. Because they're keeping one eye on the exit and one eye scanning the horizon. You see that? They're always looking for this, isn't good enough. I should be planning to leave. But here's what happens. The deft never forms. Love requires presence and commitment to the moment you're in. I have to stop looking for this. You know, it's gonna make sense. I'm just gonna know, it's just gonna be right. You know how you know by doing it daily, by choosing daily. That's how you know. Nothing's a guarantee. No psychic can guarantee anything, nobody can guarantee anything. Life requires presence and really looking at what's going on in your world. So when your mind is always scanning for a better option, you never give the current relationship enough energy to grow into something extraordinary. And I've spoken to people saying, gee, I draw I jumped into a frying pan, I had a good relationship, and I didn't even know it, I didn't even see it. So sometimes we have to jump into something worse to learn gratitude and to learn stopping this pattern of looking for something better, someone better. So let's talk about the illusion of perfect goodness. Another problem with always searching for something better is the illusion of perfection, and that's a trauma response. I did a whole podcast on that. The mind imagines that someone out there exists, the perfect partner, you know? It's the perfect job, the perfect opportunity. You're gonna light up and it's always gonna be great. And I tell you something, even with successful people, they have a lot of down moments. Gary V talks about this. You have a lot of bad things go wrong in a day, in a week, in a month, in a year. You just do. Life just happens, right? And so remember that. Life doesn't work that way where you know the perfect something exists. We really have to let go of perfect. Everything meaningful in life involves imperfection, patience, and growth. And if you're being triggered during this process, go find a therapist, find a coach, do some somatic work, work through it. The deeper beauty of life is not in finding something flawless because no one's flawless, none of us are. We all got flaws, and that's what makes it so interesting. It's in co-creating meaning with what you choose. You know when you hear couples say, we choose each other every day. That's what it is. It isn't that oh, we love each other, it's gonna work out. It's no, we choose each other every day. Everything. You choose your job every day, you choose your family every day, your partner, your your whatever you're seeking. You gotta choose it every day and be present with it. The happiest people aren't the ones who constantly search for better options, they're the ones who choose something meaningful and invest deeply in it. That's how that works. The loss of joy. Let's talk about it. When your mind is always focused on the future possibility of something better, you miss the joy of what exists now. Joy lives in the present moment. That's what joy is. I focus on joy a lot when I coach grief that you could find it again by the present moment. In the com in the conversation happening in front of you, that's where joy is. In the connection you're building today, that's where joy is. And the simple experiences of life. Sometimes joy is just mean to sit down, enjoy a cup of tea or coffee or whatever, and and just have no worries for the moment. But if your attention is always elsewhere, those moments pass by unnoticed. And you know, life is short. We could get to the end of our life really fast. You want to look back and say, I really tried, I really savored, I was really present. This is one of the quiet tragedies of modern life. People spend years searching for the next thing, and then they wake up realizing that they miss the life that they were already living. Sometimes you have to say it's already good. What if? What if people could say it's already good? So living in the knowing. There's a different way to move through life. I call it living in the knowing. Living in the knowing means that instead of constantly searching for better, you trust your choices and invest fully in them. And I think this is why people always say, I don't make mistakes, you know, I make the right decisions, because they're trying to be present what they have, but if they have to say that over and over, they may not be trusting their decisions. Trust your decisions, they're right for right now, at least, and you can evaluate, but don't just look for something better. So, you know, living in the knowing means that you're not going to constantly search for something better. You will trust your choices, you allow things to deepen, you allow life to unfold, you become present enough to actually experience the richness of what you've already have. And you have a lot. This doesn't mean settling for unhealthy situations, not saying that, you know me. It means releasing the constant mental habit of scanning for something better, because it's exhausting to do that. It means allowing your nervous system to relax into the life you are living. That is so important. Because a lot of times people focus on the one thing that isn't working, they go, My life sucks, my life is bad, my life is crap, my life is shit, and that's not true. So let's talk about the peace that comes from choosing. Yes. Choose, choose, choose. There is an incredible amount of peace that comes when you make a conscious choice and then you stop searching. You get to just settle in. Yes. You choose your partner. You didn't settle for them, you choose them. You choose your path, you choose your direction. And instead of constantly evaluating whether something better might exist, you pour your energy into making that choice meaningful. This is where death comes from. This is where real love grows. This is where fulfillment lives. Not in endless searching, but in an intentional commitment to what you choose. Being intentional in your life. Write down some notes and say what does it mean to be intentional in my life? The spiritual perspective. So I'm not going to bless you in this moment. So gratitude is not passive, it's a form of awareness and is very active. It's the ability to recognize the sacredness of what already exists. When you are present enough to see what's in front of you, you realize that life is already offering you opportunities for connection, growth, and beauty. But when the mind is always scanning for something else, those gifts go unnoticed. They do. And you can't find that joy or that peace. So let's talk about reclaiming your attention. One of the most powerful things you can do is reclaim. Your attention instead of constantly asking, is there something better? You can ask a different question. How can I fully experience what is here right now? That's a beautiful question. That's something to journal about. That shift changes everything. Your relationships deepen. When you say, How can I get closer to my partner? Your work becomes more meaningful. Your nervous system relaxes and suddenly life feels richer. Not because you found something better, but because you finally allowed yourself to experience what you already had. You already have it. You do look at your life. You already have it. A simple reflection. If this episode reflects with you, if it resonates with you, I want you to reflect on something. Where in your life might you be holding back from fully investing because part of your mind is still searching for something better? Is it in a relationship? Is it in a creative project? A calling? Alright? Sometimes a doorway to joy is not finding something new. It really isn't. Sometimes it's simply stepping fully into the life that's already waiting for you. Cause you know, we're just our guides are waiting for us to walk through the door. The habit of always looking for something better keeps the mind restless and the nervous system unsettled. But when you release the habit, something beautiful happens. You begin to experience life more deeply, yes. You begin to appreciate the people around you. You begin to feel grounded in your choices. And instead of chasing something that may or may not exist, you start building a life that actually feels meaningful. How about that? Because joy is somewhere joy isn't hiding somewhere else. Joy lives in the moments we finally allow ourselves to be present for. And those are my closing thoughts. You know? The habit of always looking for something better, keys of mind restless, and a nervous system unsettled. We want to settle the nervous system. And as you do nervous system regulation work, somatic work, right? And it's simple things. It's breath work, it's yoga, it's you know, there's many ways. EFT, there's so many ways to regulate the nervous system. You learn to settle into your choices because it's truly a trauma response to always look for something better. It is, and being in the moment sometimes is hard when there's bad things happening, but a lot of times it's good to say what's working. You know, so much is working, and you'd be surprised when you can say that it's like, well, life's pretty good. So I want to thank you for spending this time with me today. And if this conversation resonated with you, I encourage you to share it with someone who might need to hear it. So until next time, take a moment today to slow down, breathe, and appreciate the life that is already unfolding around you. Because sometimes the peace we're searching for has been there all along, waiting for us to see it, to acknowledge it, to breathe it, to feel it, to see it, to be thankful and grateful for it. So I want to thank you for listening. Have an amazing day, and I see you in the next episode.