Stop Dating Potential

We talk about why staying for someone’s potential can quietly drain your energy and trap you in hope instead of reality. We break down what real change looks like, why you can’t force it, and how letting go can bring clearer boundaries and more peace. 
• staying because of who someone could become rather than who they are now 
• potential as projection and why relationships require reality 
• why love does not create lasting change without internal motivation 
• the difference between supporting someone and trying to fix them 
• how pressure turns into control, defensiveness, and resistance 
• emotional exhaustion from repeated unmet expectations and broken patterns 
• change readiness stages and why timing and choice matter 
• letting go of potential as a path to clarity, healthier decisions, and protected energy 
• spiritual “saving” and how fixer energy can be ego in disguise 

Transcript

Welcome And The Core Problem

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're going to talk about something that I hear often when I'm doing readings or coaching. Letting go of potential. A lot of people stay in relationships because they see potential. They see who someone could become. They imagine the growth that might happen. And they're scared to walk away because what if they grow and they miss out on it and somebody else gets to grow with that person? Um they they hope that with enough patience, love, support, or encouragement, the other person will finally step into their best self. But trying to help someone become who they could be often leads to disappointment, resentment, and emotional burnout, and actually can destroy you. You know, in this episode, we're going to explore why people focus on potential, the psychology behind trying to change others, and why real growth can only happen when a person chooses it for themselves. They have to choose it. We also discussed how letting go of potential can lead to healthier boundaries, clearer decision making, and more peaceful relationships. That is important. A lot of people do this, and they're like, if he just gets it together, we'd be a power couple. If my wife just does this, we have this perfect marriage. And you you know, you have to let go of potential. And you know, yes, we we help someone somewhat, but they really have to want it for themselves. And when people go, well, if they love you enough, they change. No, you should know this by now. Love doesn't make someone change. Them loving you, they gotta love themselves, they gotta believe that there's a reason for them to change. They can love you and feel like there's nothing wrong with me. Why would I change? Or I don't want to change, I don't feel like it. When a person changes, it takes so much of them, it takes such a big shift, and they're gonna have to dive deep within themselves, and they probably have buried wounds that they don't want to look at, and now they're gonna have to look at. So, and a lot of people don't want to do that. A lot of people are like, I'm not going to therapy, I know I'm a mess, I'm not going, because they don't want to explore the painful parts of themselves, and you can't force that upon somebody, and you can't say, Well, if you love me or you love our family, or you want to save this marriage, you may have to walk away. But let's dive into this. Okay, so today we're going to talk about something that many people experience in relationships, seeing the potential in someone. But that potential is really a projection. The potential that you see in somebody is what you're projecting. It's not what their potential really is. You may have thought, I know who they could be, I see their gifts, I see how amazing they could become. They just need support, they just need encouragement, they just need time. Right? So you stay, you invest energy, you try to help, you try to motivate, you try to inspire, you try to believe in them until they believe in themselves, yep. But often instead of feeling hopeful, you be you begin to feel tired, frustrated, confused, disappointed. Because the person is not changing, or they are not changing consistently, or they say they want to change, but their actions do not reflect it. Because change is hard, right? One of the most important relationship truths is this potential is not reality, it's just a projection, and relationships function and reality, not possibility, but too many people, especially as girlies, will do that, and you cannot. So today we will explore why we become attached to potential. I think you should only see potential in your kids, you know. You should push them, push them for growth and change, you know, in a loving way. Why trying to change people often creates stress? It will it will create stress. The psychology of motivation and personal growth. Why people have the right to grow when they choose, they do. Like it or not, how letting go of potential creates more peace. Yes, if you want peace in your life, you gotta allow for it. And you know, trying to change somebody won't allow for that. That will cause you stress and misery, frustration, and make you feel defeated, unloved, and everything else. So we're gonna talk about this. Why we become attached to potential. Humans are wired to imagine improvement. We naturally look for growth. We see possibilities, we see who someone could become with the right circumstances. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as future focused perception. We project forward and imagine positive outcomes. In relationships, this could sound like they are capable of more. They need they just need confidence, they just need healing, they just need support. They just need someone who believes in them. This is how we get in trouble. Seeing potential is not wrong. It's a kind thing, right? But why are you doing it for? Do you want them to really change so that you can stay with them or do you want them to change because it's for their highest good? Think about it. So it's not wrong to see it. It often comes with empathy and optimism. However, problems arise when potential becomes the main reasons we stay connected. You know, you're putting up with some mess, but you're like, I see the potential down the road. Because potential is not a promise. Potential is only a possibility. Only a possibility, people. Research and behavioral psychology shows that change occurs when an individual experiences internal motivation. That's the only way. When you get sick and tired of your own shit, you will do better. That's when it happens, not when everybody else is sick and tired of you, it's when you are sick and tired of it. So, internal motivation means the desire to change comes from within the person, not from pressure from others. Without internal motivation, change is rarely sustainable. It isn't sustainable, and I hear this all the time. Well, don't they want to save the marriage? Don't they want to change trust? Don't they love me enough? And you know, people aren't seeing it, they're just seeing what they want this person to be, and they need this person to be, and it's like you want them to change so that you don't have to make a change or you don't have to leave. And that's where the problem comes in. You may have to leave if it's unbearable how they're acting. So someone may temporarily adjust behavior to please others, but long-term growth requires personal commitment. You cannot create motivation for someone else. You can't. It just doesn't work. If anything, they will pull you down before you pull them up. The difference between supporting and fixing, okay, fixers. Okay, let's talk about it. I'm a fixer in recovery, so let's talk about this. Healthy relationships include support, but support is different from fixing. Supporting someone means encouraging their goals, respecting their autonomy, offering care when asked, believing in their capacity. Yeah, trying to push growth before they are ready. Some people we don't know what's in their story, we don't know what their subconscious has buried. We don't know, so we can't push someone to grow. We don't know what they're facing, and we all have our own filter and experience pain differently, and blocks and insecurities differently. So feeling responsible for their development is what fixing is also, and feeling frustrated when change has not happened, repeating conversations about the same issues, feeling emotionally drained. Research on autonomy and psychology shows that people are more likely to grow when they feel ownership over their choices, right? Not when they feel pressured. Because when people feel pressured, they often resist change. Think about it. When you're pressured, don't you get a little bit rebellious? Like, who are you to be telling me anything? I decide what happens in my life. So even when you pressure someone you love, they're gonna get rebellious. So even if pressure is well-intentioned, right? Attempts to help can sometimes feel like control, and it is a form of control. Control often creates defensiveness. Defensiveness blocks growth. Yes, it does. Growth requires willingness. Willingness can't be forced. You gotta feel it within you. You know, when you listen to people who speak of their stories of overcoming addiction or bad behaviors or whatever, right? Pain, trauma, you know, um, whatever they went through. The life of crying, whatever, it's when they say, I just got sick and tired of being this way, and I made a conscious decision that I'm going to improve. They don't go because my family, because of this. They may go, I love my family, but it's really because of them. That's why they changed. And remember, love doesn't is a feeling, it's supposed to be an action, but it doesn't always guarantee an action. You know, we can love somebody, but it won't motivate us to change for them. It has to come from within. So why trying to change people can become emotionally exhausting. When people focus on potential rather than reality, they may begin to feel responsible for another person's progress. They increase, this increases what? Emotional strain? It creates emotional strain. You may find yourself having the same conversation repeatedly, feeling disappointed by repeated patterns, waiting for improvement, excusing behavior because of future hope, feeling stuck between leaving and staying, feeling guilty for wanting more. Research in relationship psychology shows that repeated unmet expectations increase stress levels. It does. And the brain anticipates change, right? When change does not occur, frustration increases. This can lead to resentment. Resentment often damages connection. Even if the relationship begins with compassion, trying to manage another person's growth can create a dynamic when one person feels responsible and the other feels pressured. Neither person feels relaxed, right? Healthy relationships require shared responsibility. Each person is responsible for their own growth. And that's the truth. And if you want to have a good relationship, you do your inner work and you call in a partner who has done their inner work. Because if your calling is the one that you need to fix or you see potential in, there's something that you have to heal within yourself that feel like you have to fix people or rescue them or make them rise up. And so you have to explore that, right? And so that's why I always tell people do some therapy before you go into a relationship, especially if you just got out of one. But some people jump to the next one, the next one because they want that high. But you know, sit still for a moment and really explore because then you can attract a better partner and be a better partner to that person and nobody has to fix anyone. So let's talk about this. People have the right to grow in their own pace. Yes, yes, they do. One of the most difficult truths to accept is this. People grow when they choose to grow, not when we want them to grow. You hear that? Not when we are ready for them to grow. Not when we believe they should grow. Timing matters. Readiness matters, personal choice matters. Psychological research on change readiness shows that people move through stages. Yes. Pre-contemplation is the first stage. Not yet considering change, right? Then contemplation, beginning to think about the change, preparation, planning the change. You know, planning. Am I going to counseling? What am I going to do? How am I going to do it? Action implementing the change. Actually, going to therapy, actually making the changes and maintenance, sustaining change. Especially if someone has an addiction, they need a sponsor, right? They need a mentor, they need a support system, they need meetings. If they have an addiction of any kind, gambling, sex, whatever, right? Alcohol, drugs. Um, and people need therapists. If you're trying to make change, you you need therapists, coaching, counseling, something, you need it. If someone is not yet ready, pressure often pushes them backward rather than forward. Growth requires internal recognition that change is needed. No one can do this recognition for another person. You can't. It's an inside job. People have the right to remain the same, they do. Even if we disagree with their choices, and believe me, I walked away from family members, I've walked away from partners who didn't want to change. It's like you do you, because you have the right to do you, but I won't be here, you know, entertaining any of it. And sure it can be disappointing, but they're telling you, oh not ready, and it may be a hard thing to accept, but the minute that you accept it, you get to be happy and at peace again and move forward in your life instead of being stalled by waiting for that person to change. Respecting autonomy does not mean agreeing with behavior, it means accepting reality. Acceptance increases clarity. Clarity supports healthier decisions. Yes, it does, and that's important. Why we try to help people become their best self? Why do we do this? Sometimes it's for selfish reasons, right? Or is that save the world complex, you know, especially as overgivers and people pleasers, right? There's many reasons for it, but many people try to help others reach their potential because they care deeply. That's what they're really betting on. So I don't have to leave, I don't have to start over. We can just make it right that I didn't make a bad decision choosing this person. I'm in the right place, I made the right decision. You know, that's what it is. Sometimes people stay because they remember how things were at the beginning. Most of the time they're always good at the beginning, right? They see glimpses of positive qualities. They feel invested in the time spent. They fear regret, right? What if they get better after I leave and I miss out? And somebody else gets those perks. I hear that from people. Well, I don't want to heal 'em or fix 'em. I leave and then somebody else gets the benefits of my work. I've heard that. They hope consistency will eventually appear. Hope can be helpful, but hope cannot replace action. It cannot. Psychology research shows that behavior patterns are often more reliable indicators of future behaviors and intentions alone. Really look at a person's behavior and see if you can deal with it. Listening to words without observing actions can create confusion. People show readiness for growth through consistent effort, not occasional insight. You know, some people go, yeah, I know that about me. I know I need to change that, but they never take action. So they have the wariness to acknowledge this is a problem, but they don't take action, then what's the point? You know, nothing's gonna change, right? So not temporary motivation, but consistent effort. When effort is inconsistent, it is important to evaluate reality honestly. Get real with the situation, if if it even if it hurts, it stings, you're disappointed. Get real. Be honest with yourself, don't pretend like oh, they changed, they changed. I've had clients get mad at me because I say no, and I say, you know this, you know, and sometimes yeah, people call us hopefully that we tell them something different from what they know. But remember, each person has an intelligent, inbuilt, intuitive system that knows that could read the writing on the wall, but sometimes it gets in the way, right, when we want something else to be true. So let's talk about letting go of potential and how that creates emotional freedom. Right? Letting go of potential creates emotional freedom. Yep, letting go of potential does not mean giving up on people, it means relating to who they are right now, in the present, not in the imagined future. This creates clarity. Clarity supports healthier decision making. You may ask yourself, if this person ever changes, am I still comfortable in this relationship? You gotta ask yourself this question. It's important. Am I accepting them as they are or waiting for them to become someone else? Am I feeling nourished or depleted? Am I hoping or experiencing? A lot of people live in the world of hope and potential. When expectations align with reality, stress becomes stress often decreases, right? Stress goes away when you have your expectations in reality, right? Letting go of potential can reduce frustration, confusion, emotional exhaustion, and disappointment. Acceptance allows for more honest choices, and that's what you want. You know, allowing others to just do their their own path, right? We all have different paths and different spiritual contracts, different lessons, different experiences, and this is when the phrase someone comes into your life, or a reason a season or a lifetime comes into play. And some people we want to say for a lifetime or only for a reason or a season, and that may be a painful thing to accept. That could be also make you want to grieve, but there's a hard truth there, right? And you have to get honest about that. Every person has their own timeline, their own lessons, their own motivation, their own challenges. Growth cannot be rushed. It cannot. Then you wake up, right? They experience insight, they experience readiness, they experience personal desire. Or you know, some life-altering event comes, and it's like, oh, that made me get myself together. Not when someone else insists on change. That's not gonna happen. Trusting that others have their own path reduces pressure. That's part of being a spiritual person. A lot of times when we're spiritual, we want to save the world, but that's not our place. We can facilitate, we can hold space, but we can have compassion, empathy, but we cannot force growth on someone. And getting frustrated with someone who's not growing becomes ego, right? It's ego to go, this person isn't growing. I see the potential. How come they don't see their potential? That's ego getting in the way. That's why I say we all have ego, we just use it in different ways. We always think ego is aggressive, bullying, arrogance, but it's not. Eagles is sometimes being a fix for. And wanting to save the world and wanting to be a good person and you know forcing growth on someone. That's eagle. Yes. So when you trust that other people have their own path, you reduce the pressure and it allows relationships to feel more natural. It also allows individuals to invest energy where growth is mutual. Mutual growth creates stability. Stability creates trust. Trust creates healthier connection. So I'm going to close this out. This is a big topic that I hope you you know people can take to heart. Yeah, it hurts when you have to let go of somebody when they're not changing, but if you can remember they have their own path. You know, that will help the healing some. So that's important there. You know, stay present with that. So seeing potential in people is natural. It means you recognize possibility. But relations relationships function in the present, not in imagined futures. They don't. People have the right to grow when they want, if they want. Your responsibility is to decide what is healthy for you. Because a lot of times we're focusing on other people and we forget to focus on our own stuff. You know how they say stay in your business, because when you mind other people's business, your business will become a mess? Letting go of potential does not mean you stop caring. It means you stop carrying. You stop carrying the weight of it all. When you relate to reality rather than possibility, relationships become clearer, decisions become easier, energy becomes more protected, and connection becomes more authentic. People grow when they choose to grow, and you're allowed to choose what works for your life today. Not someday, but today. And you know, I just seen her make some changes in her life, and I said, Whoa. And I said, Wow, I'm not jealous, I just want to be like her. And I told her, I said, I'm gonna do what you did, thank you, for the motivation. And that's what I took it as. And she's like, Oh, you want to do it? I'm doing I said, Yeah, I want to approach things how you're approaching it. She got an apartment that was in section eight, that was a goal of mine, you know. She had lost some weight, I wanted to do that. Um, she was just setting boundaries for people, and I was learning slowly how to set boundaries and get the wrong people out of my life. So sometimes you can influence people. I know I said I'm gonna close this out, so I'm gonna close this out. And I want to say thank you for listening, have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.