Cord Cutting: A Different Way to Understand Forgiveness

We challenge the way forgiveness is usually taught and redefine it as releasing the connection that keeps someone living in your mind and body. We explain why forgiveness is for your freedom, not their comfort, and how boundaries and non-engagement can be part of real healing. 
• forgiveness as releasing cords and taking your energy back 
• why “forgive and forget” and “take the high road” can invalidate trauma 
• the difference between forgiveness and reconnection 
• what forgiveness is not: minimizing pain, bypassing anger, restoring trust automatically 
• how fawning and forced compassion can become self-abandonment 
• forgiveness vs condoning harm while still naming what happened 
• how unresolved hurt activates the nervous system and drains focus 
• a step-by-step framework: tell the truth, feel the feelings, separate identity, reclaim energy, choose boundaries 
• what forgiveness can feel like over time: neutrality, clarity, less emotional charge 
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Transcript

A New Definition Of Forgiveness

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna, and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today we're talking about something that I view differently from a lot of people. And I've had to do a lot of this in my life. I mean a lot. And you know, a lot of people don't want to talk about this, or you'll see one faction that says, just forgive, and you know, everything could be fine. The other faction says, you don't have to forgive anybody. And no, we don't have to forgive anybody. So I don't see forgiveness as you know, forgiving another person. I see forgiveness different as r cutting cords, spiritual cords, spiritual ties, you know, getting that person out of your head, out of your mind to free yourself. I don't think that forgiveness has anything really to do with the person who hurt you. And I've and trust me, I've had to forgive some stuff, you know, that I've never spoken about. And eventually I will, I'm sure as the topics come up, and you know, I'm very transparent, I share my story. So yes, I want to talk about forgiveness differently, and I hope you tune into this just to get a different perspective. And, you know, doing this work over the past twenty-four plus years, um, talking to thousands of people, tens of thousands of people all over the world doing coaching and readings and you know, taking all these trainings and and really seeing I I like to see things from a life perspective instead of a uh intellectual perspective of how does belief systems affect people in their everyday life. And what I realize is that you when you have someone who's been hurt and you say forgiveness, they're like, Are you kidding? That's like invalidating me, and it's like, I don't feel like you have to forgive the person. There are some pe and it's gonna take a while, but it's about not letting them do any more harm than what they've done. Because some people are never gonna apologize, they're never gonna take responsibility, they're gonna be like it is what it is because of their own issues, and some people feel like they can't go on without an apology or they can't forgive without apology, and some people won't give it. So I see forgiveness, and that's the big topic today, as releasing any connection to that person. Because thinking about them is hard and thinking about them is painful. I've I've been there. I I've dealt with abuse and I've dealt with sexual assault and I've dealt with someone trying to take my life. I I've dealt with a lot of things that will come up, you know. Some of it is in the book I wrote, Finding Healing Through the Darkness, but I get it, and I get some I get betrayal, especially when it's someone you know, you love, you trusted, is horrific. It's like, why? I didn't deserve any of this, why? And you know, people find spiritual reasons, different reasons, and so let's get into this. Because a lot of people have been told about forgiveness. A lot of what people have been told about forgiveness can actually be harmful. You probably heard things like forgive and forget. That's not possible. Take the high road. Yes, I still hear people say this crazy stuff. Let it go and move on. No, because you just bury it. If you do any of these things, you will bury it and it will fester up even stronger later. You can't forgive and forget something that hurt you. It's a trauma experience, it's traumatic. And while those statements might sound peaceful for many people, they create more confusion than healing. They don't help with healing. Because what often gets left out of this is forgiveness does not require reconnection. That is a belief that's out there. It's like, well, I don't want to talk to them. You don't have to, you don't ever have to acknowledge them again. Forgiveness does not mean what was happened what happened was okay. It does not mean that. It will never mean that because it was not okay what happened. But I try to free people from their bondage because I know what it's like to be in bondage when hurtful things happen. And forgiveness is not something you do to make someone else feel better, it's not. Forgiveness is something you do to free your own mental and emotional space because it will hold us back. And I've seen people say, I just can't go on, I can't go on, and I've seen people in pain and they're looking for justice, and justice may not come anytime soon, it may come way later. You you know, and you can't wait for justice, and you know, people can feel abandoned by God, and you you know, life is messy, and a lot we have free will, so we do a lot of things that some of us shouldn't do, and we hurt people, we have to own it, and you know, if you've been hurt by someone, they may not own it. And so, but you can free yourself, you deserve freedom, you deserve a good life, no matter what has happened to you, you deserve happiness, you deserve peace, you deserve abundance, you deserve the good things in life, and so I'm all about freeing people. Well, forgiveness is not. Let's talk about what forgiveness is not. We're gonna start here. Forgiveness is not pretending it didn't hurt because some things really hurt bad to our core, you know, and it just stays with us. Minimizing your experience, that is not what forgiveness is. It should not you don't have to minimize anything. Bypassing anger or grief, you have to go through the anger and the grief, you know, allowing continued access to you, heck no. If you don't want to deal with them, you don't want to deal with them. I know sometimes people are in messy situations because it's a family member, especially a parent, and you don't want to cut off the whole family, so you're gonna have to deal with that parent. I know it gets messy. I do, I understand. But you don't have to give anyone access to you who has hurt you. And restoring trust automatically. You may never trust them again, and that's okay. That is more than okay because they broke trust. Why should you trust them again? Have they gone through therapy? Have they done healing work? Have they asked for forgiveness? And even if they do those things, you don't have to trust them again, you don't have to deal with them ever again. And this is especially important for sensitive people because if you already have a tendency toward the fond response, that was the last podcast. You you know, forgiveness can become another form of self-abandonment. Yes, forgiveness can become another form of self-abandonment. It can look like it's okay, I understand why they did it. I don't want to hold resentment, I just need to be compassionate. People do this. I I've heard it from people, and it's like they're fawning. And if I'm reading for them, I and plus I don't diagnose anyway, but if I'm in a coaching situation, I can bring that up. But in readings, you know, certain people you can bring that up with. But, you know, I always make sure to get the points across even in a reading, but people do this and they think it makes them a good person or a caring person or understanding person, but it's fawning. But underneath that, you may still feel hurt, violated, unseen, and unsafe, and it will affect you. It will. You cannot bypass your own pain. So instead of actually processing the experience, you override it in the name of being healed. Oh lordy, hmm. That's not forgiveness, that's oppression with a spiritual label. That's what it is. Okay. So I hope you guys are hearing me out and how I see things differently. And let's talk about why reconnection is not required. This is where people get stuck. They actually think if I forgive them, I have to let them back in. No, you don't. No. Reconnection requires safety, accountability, change, mutual respect. Forgiveness does not guarantee any of those. That's the thing. When you forgive, you're just out on a limb. You're forgiving when you may have not had the safety, accountability change, or anything from the person. And so it's really is to free you up and not them. Because they haven't really earned the forgiveness. They may have they may never earn the forgiveness, but you deserve the release of them. That's why you forgive. You can forgive someone and still recognize this relationship is not aligned for me. This dynamic is not safe for me. This person does not have the capacity to meet me differently. Forgiveness is internal, reconnection is relational, and the two are not the same. You do not have to reconnect with anybody for the people in the back. Forgiveness versus condoning. You know, this is a tough one because these things get confused. Things get so jumbled in society because there's so many voices, there's so many of us talking, talking, talking, and people are getting overstimulated by social media, and it's like what's true and what's not, and whether the person is a therapist, a coach, or whatever experience, you're gonna hear all sorts of stuff, and some of it is formed opinions, in some ways it could be a formed opinion, what I'm saying, but I really looked at people who I have worked with and done coaching and reading sessions with and and grief work with to get here. I've really tried to make it non-biased, but of course it can still sound biased. Another m major misunderstanding is forgiveness does not mean condoning. You can fully acknowledge that was harmful, that crossed a boundary, that impacted me deeply, and still choose to release the emotional grip that it has on you. Yes, you can. You're not. You are saying I am no longer available to carry this because it's such a pain is such a burden. Trauma's a burden, you know, these things are not gonna go away completely, but we can transform them. And that's the different energy, right? To be able to say, I am no longer available to carry this. Let's talk about what holding on actually does. Let's talk about why this matters. When you hold on to unresolved hurt, your nervous system stays activated. Not always loudly, sometimes quietly. But it shows up as intrusive thoughts, replaying conversations, a lot of us do that in our head, and we're wishing that we could have said or did something different, or they would have said or did something different, and you can't can't change it. Emotional triggers, tension in the body, difficulty focusing, an energetic drain. It's like a background process running constantly. And for intuitive and for intuitives and impasse, this is amplified because you're not just holding the memory, you're holding the emotional charge. This is what people mean when they talk about chords. Not in a mystical only sense, but in a very well embodied way. Your energy stays linked to the experience. That's what happens. Forgiveness is not about them. It's about releasing that link. Just letting go of them. You know, don't you want that ook out of your system? Even when it's someone who you should have felt safe with and they hurt you. You know, you get to release them. So let's talk about forgiveness as cord cutting. As you want to cut the cord to that person because then you're just left tortured. That pain could be so great, so strong. I've seen people in great pain and they don't understand they that there's a way to transform it. And you can't wait for fairness or justice or or favor from God, the universe. You just have to release it and set yourself free. So let's reframe forgiveness in a way that actually supports healing. Forgiveness is cutting the energetic cord that keeps you tied to the emotional impact of what happened. It is saying I am taking my energy back. Cord cutting is saying I am taking my energy back. Because you need all of your energy for you, for your life, for the great life that you deserve. Not they deserve my forgiveness, because maybe they don't deserve it. So that's the difference. And so you want to say this, you know, I am taking my energy back because I deserve my peace. You deserve peace, and peace cannot be given to us from another person. It is an internal thing, peace. It's the only way we can receive peace. And this does not happen through force, it happens through processing and release. Releasing what happens. Here's what this can look like. Number one, acknowledge the truth. No minimizing. Name what happened. Name how it affected you. Clarity is what allows release. Number two, feel what was not fully felt. This is where most people stop. Allow the anger. I know society says anger is bad and negative and toxic. No, allow yourself the anger. Feel the anger, feel the grief, feel the disappointment, the hurt. You know, not as something to fix, but something to move through the body. Separate yourself from the story. This is important. That the event happened, but it is not your identity. It happened to you, but it is not your identity. You're not the rejection, the betrayal, the misunderstanding. You're not the one who you are the one who experienced it. I got stuck on something because I was just thinking about something I I kind of hate hearing. When I say life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you. Some things can feel that way, but not everything's gonna feel that way. So even though I'm a very spiritual woo-woo girl, I don't believe that we should go around saying life happens for you, not to you. Most of it can feel that way, but when something bad happens, it's not gonna feel like oh, this happened for me. You know, but we say a lot of things. I realize a lot of people who say these things aren't coaching, they're not counseling, they're not treating, they're saying things that sound good to them that resonate to them, and they think it's for everyone else. So let's talk about reclaiming your energy. This can be intentional. You might visualize pulling your energy back, cutting a cord between you and that person, releasing their energy from your body, or simply say I release what is not mine to carry. Number five, choose non-engagement when needed. Forgiveness often includes a boundary. Sometimes a boundary is distance. Sometimes it is no contact, sometimes it is emotional detachment. This is not punishment, this is self-responsibility. Now let's talk about how this shows up in real life. This might look like you stop replaying what you wish you would have said because you can't get a do-over, unfortunately. You stop trying to get closure from someone who cannot give it. You know, a lot of people wait, they're waiting for their parents, they're waiting for someone to give them closure, and more than likely they're not going to give it to you. You stop explaining yourself to people committed to under and misunderstanding you. Definitely. You no longer feel the same emotional charge when you think about the situation. And most importantly, you regain mental space. Yes. Space to focus, focus on what matters to you, to create the life that you want, build the life that you want, connect with people who are aligned. You're kicking out the old toxic energy, and you're gonna start aligning with people who are better for you to be around. Now let's talk about what forgiveness feels like. Forgiveness doesn't does not always feel like relief right away. It won't. Don't look for instant relief. It may take years to feel that relief. I want to be honest. Sometimes it feels like neutrality, less intensity, more distance, more clarity. It feels like they no longer live in my head the same way. And that is powerful. That's what this is about. I'm gonna close this out. But I want you to think about it. Just think it's a way to look at forgiveness differently so that you can have your freedom because we're all gonna be hurt by someone who shouldn't have hurt us. You know? We're all gonna be hurt by someone, some situation, even if it comes from a stranger, sadly. And hopefully it's not too bad, but what is too bad, right? Hurt is hurt, pain is pain. Um but I I want to stress that there is freedom. Freedom can come even after tragedy. So I will close this out. If you struggle with forgiveness, it may not be because you're resistant, it may be because what you were taught did not honor your experience. You do not have to force compassion, you do not have to rush this. You do not have to reconnect to prove that you are healed. No, healing is not measured by how available you are to others, it is measured by how available you are to yourself, and forgiveness, real forgiveness, is the moment you decide I am no longer giving this my energy in the same way. Not saying that you're gonna forget and move on. It's there, the experience is there, it's it happened, the betrayal of the hurt is there, but it's not gonna have the same amount of energy that it's had. Because unfortunately, when we hold on to that pain so deep, it does prevent us from moving forward, and life is short. Nobody knows how much time they have on this planet. Life is so short, and if there are dreams that you have, they may be delayed because of What you went through, but they don't have to be denied, they can still happen. Your life that you want can still happen for you despite the pain, the hurt, the disappointment that you've been through, and the forgiveness by cord cutting can give you your life back. That's why we love people who have gone through tough things because they show us that there is a way out. You know, when they talk about what they've been through and they're rising and they're shining, they're showing us yes, there is a way out, and there is a way out of pain. Definitely, trust me, I've seen it in myself, I've seen it in other people, and I wish that for every human being to get out of pain. So I want to thank you for listening. Please like, share, follow me, especially if you're watching on YouTube and trying to grow there. And have a great day. And yes, I will see you in the next episode.