How To Define What You Want In A Partner

We challenge the belief that love must start with instant fireworks and ask what happens when calm, consistent connection gets mislabeled as “boring.” We get real about how unclear standards, nervous system patterns, singlehood stigma, and overthinking can sabotage relationships before they have a chance to grow.
• asking what you truly want in a partner beyond looks 
• defining vague desires like spiritual, attractive, successful, emotionally available 
• mirroring the qualities you want to attract 
• choosing emotional safety, consistency, and shared values over chaos 
• reframing instant chemistry as possible anxiety or trauma familiarity 
• rejecting social media fantasies about what love “should” look like 
• stopping judgment of single people and unpacking why someone may be single 
• noticing how overthinking texts and online behavior blocks connection 
• allowing vulnerability without demanding certainty first 
• letting relationships unfold over time instead of controlling outcomes 

Transcript

Do You Know What You Want

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, it's Dr. Donna and welcome to another episode of my podcast, Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. Today I want to talk about relationships, dating, emotional patterns, and something I think many people struggle with but don't always realize. And that is this. Do you actually know what you want in a partner? Not just physically. People are very still caught up on looks these days. They're like, well, I gotta be physically attracted to them. Yes, because sometimes the wrong person is wrapped up in a cute package. And people will mention, you know, the emotions, so not just emotionally or not just spiritually, but truly, because many people say they want love, but their behaviors, fears, overthinking, unrealistic expectations and emotional defenses are actually blocking the very connection that they claim to want. And I see this all the time. And I see people sabotage because when someone good finally comes along, they don't trust it. But they're like, I want something good, I want something good, but you gotta trust it also. Yeah, you know, because if you don't trust it, you can't have what you want. Today I want to talk about instant chemistry, which we need to let go of, overthinking, hyperanalyzing people, being emotionally unavailable while wanting emotionally available love, criticizing others for being single while you are also single, and how sometimes we unknownly sabotage connection before it even has a chance to grow. And I also want to say something important. Healthy love does not always arrive with fireworks, obsession, anxiety, or instant intensity. We have to let go of this belief. Sometimes healthy loves arrives quietly and slowly, safely, calmly, even boring, right? And many people miss emotionally healthy partners because they are addicted to emotional intensity instead

Get Specific And Mirror It

SPEAKER_00 2:15

of emotional safety. So let's talk about it. Do you actually know what you want? I think people kind of know, or they think that things will just line up and that'll make it right. But when I ask people, have you ever wrote down what you want in a partner? And are you the person that you want to attract? They don't think like that because a lot of times they're just like, I just want someone to love me. You know, that's all some people want because they're craving the love that they have not received. But it's not enough. You gotta be very clear on what you want in a person, and you have to mirror that back also. So, do you actually know what you want? One of the first questions people need to ask themselves that. You know, do you know what you want in the partner? Am I chasing fantasies, feel feelings, validation, or unresolved emotional patterns? Because there is a difference. A lot of people have vague relationship desires like I want someone spiritual. What does that even mean? Spirituality is so broad, right? It doesn't mean you're gonna have the same spiritual beliefs, or or if you want someone religious, doesn't mean you're gonna have the same religious beliefs. I want someone attractive. What does that mean? You know, looks aren't everything. I want someone successful. How do you define that? Is it you know they have to be super wealthy, or can they just have a great career where they pay their bills and they're not in debt? Or do you need to be excessively wealthy? And then what if they want that in you? Well, you mirror those things. I want someone emotionally available. A lot of people say this, but you yourself have to be emotionally available to call that in because the person that you want to be emotionally available is going to also want you to be emotionally available, and sometimes people are like, Well, I let my guard down once I know it's safe. No, you have to from day one show some vulnerability. You have to, in order for the relationship to grow, but they have not deeply explored what actually creates long-term emotional compatibility.

Peace Versus Chaos In Attraction

SPEAKER_00 4:40

Because long-term partnership is not built only on attraction, it is built on emotional safety, consistency, communication, maturity, repair, shared values, respect, and the ability to navigate discomfort together. Relationships are based on, you know, choosing each other, but also can you survive hard moments together? Or what it no longer feels good, so you're gonna walk and move on. A lot of people will switch partners the minute that things get tough. Many people say that they want peace but feel attracted to chaos. They say they want stability but they get bored with calm people. They say they want emotional ability but become uncomfortable when someone genuinely shows up consistently. I've heard people go, well, he's too nice. It's like that's a good thing, right? And it's weird because some women are attracted to the bad boy, but then that's just gonna stir the pot and stress you out, and you can't tame a bad boy. So you have to ask yourself, why are you attracted to a bad boy? What is that? Is that the fixer in you? What is the attraction? So sometimes the issue is not there are no good partners, sometimes the issue is we are emotionally conditioned to chase what feels familiar instead of what feels healthy. And familiarity is not always love, sometimes familiarity is simply unresolved conditioning. That's really what it is. And we've talked about chemistry in the past, but you know, it it will come up in different relationship topics, and I want to talk about instant chemistry because modern dating culture has

Why Instant Chemistry Can Mislead

SPEAKER_00 6:25

created unrealistic expectations around connection. People often think, and I hear this, I don't feel that instant fireworks or butterflies or obsession or intense attraction immediately. Then the person must not be right for me. And I still hear this to this day, it's like they want to feel this instant connection. And sometimes that instant connection might be based on some unhealed thing, right? And especially if you're dating someone who is unhealthy and you go by feel a connection with them, you're feeling some unhealed bond with that person, it's not a healthy connection. And we all have things within us that we need to heal. So it's not a judgment, but usually our patterns show up in relationships. They just do. And so that's important to remember because it's not always true that if you don't feel these things, that the person is wrong. Sometimes instant chemistry is actually a nervous system activation. Yes, sometimes it is anxiety, sometimes it's unpredictability, sometimes it is emotional inconsistency, sometimes it's trauma familiarity. And sometimes healthy people initially feel boring simply because they are not emotionally regulated. Yeah. You might feel boring, you know, it's like, okay, if a person feels boring, does that mean that it's wrong? We have to stop looking for a twenty-four-hour a day excitement. Because life doesn't operate that way. Life has a lot of slow, boring moments. I remember one coach said the best moments are doing boring things with the people that you love. And that's true. It's the simple things that matter. Life can't be exciting all the time. I know social media sells this crap, but that's a highlight moment what you're seeing in people's lives. You're not seeing their life all day long. And just because somebody's not creating emotional chaos doesn't mean that they are boring. Just because they're not triggering your abandonment wounds every five minutes and they are not making you obsess over mixed signals, they are simply consistent and not boring. And if your nervous system is used to emotional highs and lows, consistency can initially feel unfamiliar. Healthy connection often builds slowly, it grows through trust, safety, shared experiences, honesty, respect, and emotional presence. And honestly, some of the healthiest relationships begin quietly, without obsession, without emotional chaos, without intense masquerading as love. You know, we have to stop all this. We're happy in love and we're high in love. What have we seen so often on social media? People who claim to be so crazy in love are divorced in a year or two. Yeah, you know, always talk about the cooking show that I watch, cooking with the new lease, and they're like, baby honey, through their whole cooking thing, and it turned out that they hated each other the whole time while they were filming the show. So, you know, stop comparing what you think your love should look like to what you're seeing because you don't know what's going on behind the scenes. I think many people accidentally reject good partners because they are chasing emotional adrenaline instead of emotional compatibility. Butterflies are not always intuition. Sometimes

Stop Shaming People For Being Single

SPEAKER_00 10:05

butterflies are fear, sometimes calm is a healthier sign. So stop criticizing people for being single when you're single. This is a big issue, and I really don't get this. It it shows that it's a social construct. And I've had people say, Well, if he's single, what's wrong with him? And I say, Maybe they haven't found the right person. Well, that doesn't make sense. I said you're single. Do you want somebody to say what's wrong with you? No. You don't want somebody to say, How come you haven't found the right person? You're out here looking. They're out here looking. We we have to stop thinking that if you're single, you're bad, something's wrong with you, nobody wants you. That's insane. And a lot of people are choosing singlehood now, especially if they came out of a relationship. Some people are like, I'm done with it. I've known people who got divorced, married and divorced in their 20s, and they're like, I'm just done with dating. I like being single. Some people love singlehood. I loved it for years. It was gonna take something special for me to be different, and I didn't feel like anything was wrong with me. I've gone to therapy and everything. So let's stop judging singlehood as a disease. It is a social construct to believe that. And this is another conversation that people do not like having honestly. Sometimes people criticize potential partners for being single while they themselves are also single. Yes. Or are they still alone? Why haven't they found someone yet? Why haven't you found someone yet? Because it's hard out there, it's weird out there on the dating sites. It's interesting. You know, I have some funny stories when I was on the dating site. This one guy he went from age twenty-eight to fifty-one back to twenty-eight. You just you don't know what you're getting out there. But the same question could technically be asked about anyone who is single. Being single does not automatically mean someone is emotionally unhealthy, undesirable, broken, or incapable of love. Sometimes people are single because they were healing, they were focusing on growth, they left unhealthy relationships, they were emotionally unavailable before. They had life responsibilities, or they simply had not met the right person yet, or sometimes they just don't want to meet anybody, you know, and honestly, emotional mature people are often more cautious about who they allow into their lives because who you date will affect you. We've seen it enough on these true crime shows. You just don't bring somebody in because you're lonely or you don't want to be single and you don't want to be judged. You need to know what people are about and listen past the looks and you know the image and and how do they talk and look for the red flags. You know, I did that podcast on the three red flags, right? And that, you know, a FEI agent said that she looks for when dating. And so we have to dive deep and realize that being in a relationship is not the ultimate. We've just been conditioned to believe that. And there's some there's nothing shameful about being single. What matters more is how emotionally self-aware are you? Can you communicate? Can you take accountability? Can you regulate conflict? Can you build healthy connection? Those qualities far more than relationship status alone. Think about it. That's what matters.

Overthinking Texts And Mixed Signals

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Overthinking is blocking connection, and people do a lot of overthinking when they're searching for relationships a lot, and it's stopping the flow with someone coming in. I truly believe overthinking destroys many potential relationships before they even begin because they do. People analyze everything, the text timing. Well, they didn't respond right away. Are they talking to another woman or guy or something? No, maybe they're busy, maybe that's just how they are. You know, the tone, the wording, the pauses, the social media activity. I am noticing people are so obsessed with social media. Take social media with a grain of salt. It's not the real world. And people who act a fool on social media know they can't act that way in person. You know, people liking someone's posts or following a bunch of guys or a bunch of women, it means nothing. Unless you have evidence of something going on, don't let your mind overthink. You know, and you know, people overthink the possibilities of the future or potential rejection or the imagined outcomes. And discernment is healthy, but constant hyperanalysis creates emotional paralysis. Sometimes people are so focused on protecting themselves from disappointment that they never fully allow connection. And I see people push good people out. I've seen it over and over. I I got on a friend about that. I said, that is the best man you are ever gonna have. She don't talk to me no more, but I told the truth, you know, and I try to get them back together because I knew it, you know, but you know, they have my friend had their own issues, couldn't do it, you know. So you know, think about how you judge the way that you judge somebody would you want someone to judge you the same way. Think about it. Because when you overthink and you don't allow for f full connection, you're mentally evaluating the relationship before emotionally experiencing it. Do not emotionally evaluate the relationship before you experience it. I know people don't want to be in a bad situation, don't want to be a fool, been hurt before, but you have to go through the experience. And this often comes from fear, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of vulnerability, fear of wasting time, fear of heartbreak. So instead of allowing connection to unfold naturally, the mind starts controlling everything. And when the mind becomes overly controlling, genuine emotional flow disappears. Not every interaction needs immediate certainty. Not every date needs to determine your future spouse. A lot of times people will meet someone on the first date, get a reading, they're like, is this the one? And it's like, whoa, you know, sometimes or you know, I know people are curious and they don't want to waste time, but we learn from dating. We learn what we want, what we don't want, what we will and won't tolerate. We get practice, we get practice on how to communicate, so it's never really wasted, you know. And we don't need to always go bingo, I hit the right one. Healthy relationships usually unfold gradually. You learn people over time, and honestly, some people sabotage connections because they want the certainty before vulnerability, and it just doesn't happen that way. You cannot have certainty before. A lot of people try to do that. They're like, I just can't be vulnerable with the wrong person. Then go to therapy, go heal what needs to be healed. That's important, but relationships will never be able to work that way. Love requires emotional openness, presence, curiosity, flexibility. You know, that is so important to remember. Have you noticed some people how they can be in a relationship and it ends, they go to another one? And some people may consider it desperate, and maybe in some cases they're afraid to be alone or desperate, but often you know it is they're brave enough to try again, they're brave enough to give a new person a chance. They're brave. Think of it that way. They're willing to open up their heart again, although it's been stepped on or hurt in the past. So let's talk more about you. Maybe blocking what you want.

Vulnerability Without Controlling Outcomes

SPEAKER_00 18:45

This part may feel uncomfortable, but I think it's important. Sometimes we are unknowingly standing in the way of what we want. We say we want love, but we do not allow people close enough to know us. We say we want connection, but we emotionally shut down at the first discomfort. We say we want emotional available partners, but we keep choosing emotionally unavailable people because it feels familiar. We say we want healthy love, but we reject calmness because it does not create emotional intensity. And sometimes people are so focused on finding the perfect person that they never allow an imperfect human connection to develop naturally. You're not perfect, they're not perfect, no one's perfect. No relationship will be perfect ever. No partner will meet every emotional need flawlessly. You have to learn how to meet in the middle. And healthy relationships require grace, communication, repair, patience, and emotional maturity. Sometimes people are not actually rejecting others, they are rejecting vulnerability itself because vulnerability means uncertainty, and uncertainty can feel terrifying. But love always requires some level of emotional risk. It does. So let's talk about stop trying to control the outcome if you want to find love. Because it's a big topic when you're doing readings, it is a huge topic. You know, I I think 60-70% of calls are about relationships. Another important lesson in dating and relationships is learning how to stop controlling every outcome. Some people enter dating already trying to predict, will this last? Will I get hurt? Will they leave? Will this fail? Are they my soulmate? What if I waste time? Even if someone's your soulmate, it doesn't mean it's gonna be easy. I know we've romanticized soulmates and twin flings, but no, it's not easy. And while those fears are understandable, they can prevent you from actually being present. You cannot fully experience connection while simultaneously trying to control every possible future outcome. Sometimes people are so busy protecting themselves from pain that they actually block joy, intimacy, and genuine connection too. Love requires emotional openness, not recklessness, not ignoring red flags, but openness. And openness requires allowing people to reveal themselves over time instead of demanding immediate certainty, because that doesn't exist. So I want to close this out. If you are currently searching for love, partnership, or emotional connection, I encourage you to ask yourself honestly, do I truly know what I want? Do you truly, truly know what you want? Or am I chasing emotional familiarity? Am I allowing connection to grow naturally, or am I overthinking every possibility? into exhaustion? Am I rejecting healthy people because calmness feels unfamiliar? Am I criticizing others for things I also experience myself? And most importantly, am I actually emotionally allowing the kind of love I say that I want? Because sometimes the greatest block to love is not the absence of good people. There are good people out there. There are amazing people out there. Sometimes it is fear. Overprotection emotional guarding unrealistic expectations are the inability to surrender to control. Um healthy love often grows slowly quietly safely and sometimes the right relationship will feel less emotional will feel less like emotional chaos and more like peace. So I want to thank you for listening. I will do my share of relationship podcasts. It would always be something relationship wise on Wednesdays. Other days I would talk about spiritual awakening psychic impasse shadow work all the different things intuitive discernment you name it but I know people want to hear more about relationships. So I will do that and I want to thank you for listening and have a great day and I will see you in the next episode.