Triangulation In Relationships And How To Break Free

If you’ve ever felt like you’re auditioning for your own relationship, you’re not imagining it and you’re not “too sensitive.” Today we get real about triangulation: when a romantic partner plays you against an ex, a coworker, a friend, or another option to spark jealousy and keep you chasing. That dynamic creates enormous emotional suffering because it turns intimacy into insecurity and makes you believe you can finally earn safety by being the better lover, the better partner, the better everything.

We walk through why the competition was never real in the first place. Healthy love doesn’t require you to outperform another human being, and commitment isn’t something you win, it’s something you’re freely chosen for. I share the phrases people use to hook you into comparison, how love bombing can make it harder to see the pattern, and why so many good-hearted people stay because they remember the “good times.” We also talk about what’s often underneath these games: unhealed wounds, fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, and a constant need for validation that no partner can fix.

Then we bring it back to your body. When you’re constantly being compared, your nervous system goes on high alert: hypervigilance, spiraling thoughts, checking social media, scanning for rejection. That isn’t love, it’s dysregulation. We contrast that with secure love, clear communication, consistency, and the kind of relationship where you can finally exhale. If any of this hits home, subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the support, then tell me: what helps you recognize “safe love” fastest?

Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of my podcast Soul Talk and Psychic Advice. I want to say something to all of you. This podcast means a lot to me. That's why I do it. Yes, it's slow to grow, but I do it because these are messages that it's almost like uh open journal that I would want to share with the world about all the things that I've learned working with people in my own life and what I've learned from reading comments online. And so I hope that there's always a discussion, you know, one of these podcasts topics that may you know make a difference to someone because it's really heartfelt for me to do these podcasts.

When A Partner Plays You

SPEAKER_00 0:46

So today we're gonna talk about something that creates enormous emotional suffering and relationships. And I've seen it far too often, and you know it's unfortunate, but today we're gonna talk about what happens when a romantic partner, whether they're male or female, plays you against another person. Now, maybe some of us have been through it. I have in my younger years. Um, maybe you're going through it now, maybe you're witnessing someone you care about go through it. So maybe they're playing you against an ex, a coworker, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's another romantic interest, maybe it's someone that constantly that they constantly compare you to. Whatever form it takes, the result is usually the same. You end up feeling like you're competing, and you think if this person goes away, the problem goes away, but no, they just find somebody else, you know, to compare you against. You start trying harder, you begin to prove yourself even more and more, and you wonder if you're enough. Now, I see it mostly in romantic relationships, so I may tailor this episode towards that, but yes, it can happen in many ways, and a lot of times it can make you think, Wow, well, but they're comparing me to a co-worker. Are they messing with that co-worker? Are they messing with that friend? You know, are they messing with their ex because why are they comparing me to them? So you're wondering if you're enough, right? You work overtime trying to become the better lover, the better partner, the more understanding person, the more attractive person, the more patient person. And before you know it, you've lost yourself. A lot of people do lose themselves in relationships. Today I want to talk about why this happens, why it has nothing to do with being the better lover, and why the person creating these dynamics is often operating from their own unhealed wounds. You might say, well, that's obvious, of course you're unhealed, but we need to really discuss this because a lot of people don't even see it coming. Because what happens is that you get in the relationship, there's love bombing is going well. People that you've introduced your partner to like your partner, you know, the partner's putting on a good show, you're in the relationship, you're sharing energy. If you've been intimate, you're courted to each other. We call it spiritual courting, where you're really connected to each other, and then they start showing it. So they don't always show these signs right away. They know what they're doing, they know to hook you in. And it's sad because once you're hooked in, it's so much harder to get out, it's so much harder to see the obvious because you're left with those moments where things were good, and you will remember the good times. It's like, well, it's not bad all the time, right? That's what a lot of people do in abusive relationships because it isn't bad all the time. But when it's bad, it's bad. And these people know how to perform and they know when to be nice and they know when to put on a show. It's very diabolical. It really is.

The Competition Is An Illusion

SPEAKER_00 4:20

So let's talk about how the competition was never real. One of the biggest illusions people get trapped in is believing that relationships are competitions. They think if I could just be better than the other person, they have finally choose me. The Sav heart is wanting to be chosen, right? Shouldn't have to, you know, fight to be chosen. If I love harder, they see my value. If I prove my worth, they stop looking elsewhere. But healthy love does not require competition. Healthy love is not a contest. Healthy love is not an audition. And healthy love does not require you to outperform another human being. You are supposed to be enough to your romantic partner. When someone truly wants to be with you, they choose you. Not because you won. You shouldn't have to fight to win your partner. Not because you beat someone else, not because you were the better option. They chose you because they want to choose you. The moment you find yourself competing for someone's affection, pause and ask yourself, Why am I trying to earn something that should be given freely? Think about it. Because real commitment isn't one. It's chosen. Yeah, you should be chosen. And you shouldn't have to fight for it. Yes, we choose each other daily when we're in a relationship, but it shouldn't be a fight.

Triangulation And Its Telltale Lines

SPEAKER_00 6:10

So let's talk about why people create triangles. We know narcissistic parents do it, isorcistic friends do it all times you you know, and they only they don't even have to be a narcissist to do it, but let's talk about triangulation. Triangulation happens when someone introduces another person into the relationship dynamic in a way that creates comparison, insecurity, or competition. Examples include my ex used to do this. You're lucky I'm still here. If somebody tells you that, leave. Just say nope, I'm out. This other person understands me better. Well, let them go be with the other person. Lots of people want me, and most of the time you know nobody else wants them. Um notice what happens in your body when you hear these things. Your nervous system becomes activated. You start comparing yourself, you start performing, and you stop being authentic. The relationship becomes less about connection and more about winning. The focus shifts from intimacy to insecurity. And that is that is exactly why triangulation is so emotionally damaging. And if you grew up in a household where this was done to you, it makes sense that you could end up with a partner who will do this to you. If you haven't, you know, had any therapy to heal it, to recognize it, because what happens in our household growing up becomes normalized. A lot of people don't even see what's being done to them. Have no ideal before it's too late, before they're all the way in it.

The Trap Of Trying Harder

SPEAKER_00 8:05

So let's talk about the trap of becoming the better lover. Many people respond by trying harder. They become more available, yes, more accommodating, more forgiving. Yeah, they just will excuse anything and everything, right? To prove themselves. They overlook so many things to where they are losing themselves. More self-sacrificing. They think if I can just show them how amazing I am, they have finally choose me. But here's the problem: the person creating the competition often isn't looking for a solution. No, it's not about a solution, it's like we're just gonna continue this toxic lifestyle, this toxic behavior. They're looking for constant validation. They need it all the time because of their insecurities run deep. They're looking for attention. They probably didn't get much growing up, or they only got it when they did something bad. They're looking for eagle reinforcement. Because a lot of people we all have eagles to some extent, you know. I you know, I I will do a podcast on the so-called eagle death and stuff, but when people need constant ego reinforcement, they're full of self-doubt, full of insecurity, they feel small, and they have to do this crap, you know, in order to feel better about themselves. And they're looking for external proof that they're desirable. A lot of people just don't feel good about themselves, and so they do self-destructive things. And no amount of proving yourself can fill that hole for them. But a lot of people unfortunately get caught up, they're like, just choose me, and especially if they have brought in another person that they're cheating with, or i if you're not committed and they're just dating other people, and they start comparing the intimacy and different things, you can really get, you know, stressed out and overworked. And you know, the saddest thing is do they prefer me over the other person? Do they think intimacy with me is better than the other person? You know, we're very sexualized in society, and we've really put a lot of weight on it, and we think you have to be the better lover, and that's how you hook somebody. That isn't how you hook somebody. You could be the best, you know, sex ever. Doesn't mean they're gonna stay, because there's so many more layers to that, and I know a lot of people don't believe that because of the way that we talk in society, but trust me, I I've been doing this work for 24 years. I've seen it all, I've heard it all, and I'm sure I'm gonna continue to be educated, even more so. But there's nothing that you could do to make somebody like this choose you and be at peace with you until they're at peace with themselves. You can be the most loving partner in the world and still find yourself trapped in the same cycle. Because the issue was never your worth. The issue was their unresolved wounds. When we think that we can love an unhealed person whole, we cannot. It's it's great when we have so much love to give, we're just gonna love the wounded person. No, they have to do their inner work. There's no way around it.

Unhealed Wounds Create Chaos

SPEAKER_00 11:46

They have to do their work. Unhealed people create unhealthy dynamics and they love doing it. This is where we need to get honest. People who constantly create competition and relationships are often deeply unhealed. Maybe they fear abandonment, maybe they fear intimacy, and maybe they need constant validation. Maybe they grew up in chaotic environments where love always felt uncertain. Who knows if they grew up in abusive relationships? A lot of families, two-parent households look like the beaver cleavers on the outside, but it really goes down in the house, right? Nobody sees that. A lot of people are good at putting on images. I used to spend a lot of time at a friend's family house. I used to go every Thursday night for dinner because I like the people, but I started studying the dynamics and a lot of people thought they were a close-knit family. But I said, wow, there's a lot of dysfunction. And the mother did the triangulation with the kids and was always raging. All of a sudden I looked back and and I was there because I I guess to also support the friend, you know, and it was just like wow, you know, but everybody thought this is a close-knit loving f loving family because they're always were around each other. But there was a lot of dysfunction that no one's seen, and there are a lot of households like that. I remember growing up I had, you know, as I got older and I tell friends, I said, You're lucky you have both of your parents, you know, my parents died young, and they said it was hell in that house. Nobody saw that part. You know? So maybe people like this who triangulate only feel valuable when multiple people want them. Some people are like that. They're like, I have a lot of options. Everybody has a lot of options when you look down to you know, when you look at it. A lot of times people think they don't have options, but everybody has a lot of options. It's based on what type of energy you're putting out. And so think about it. And so they create externally what they haven't healed internally. What we don't heal on the inside is gonna show up on the outside. Their insecurity creates insecurity, their confusion creates confusion. Their instability creates instability. Many people stay because they believe if I love them enough they stop. And it's heartbreaking, but no. You can't love a wounded person healed. But healing doesn't happen because someone loves us, it doesn't. I know we see stuff like this. If somebody loves you enough, you heal. No, you have to still want to heal. No matter what, you have to do your inner work. There's no way around it. Healing happens because we choose to heal. That's the only reason. When we get sick and tired of our own shit, we we will start to get help. So let's talk about how you cannot heal someone through self-sacrifice

Why You Cannot Heal Them

SPEAKER_00 15:14

and especially women. We we will self-sacrifice, but it doesn't work. You cannot show that wounded person, your wounded partner, how great they are, whether it's male or female. You know, um, you can't, because if they're struggling, they're struggling for many reasons. And this part of the discussion is especially important for impasse healers and rescuers. Because many of us who are impasse healers and rescuers, some of us are all three, right? Many of us believe if I'm patient enough they are change. If I love them enough, they are healed. If I stay long enough, they finally understand. But healing cannot be outsourced. No one can do another person's inner work. If only we could, huh? There's a lot of people we love that we would help, but we can't. You know? It's beautiful to love somebody enough to want to see them healed, but you can't. They gotta do their own work. No one can process another person's wounds. No one can build another person's self-worth. Only with your children. You do that when they're children, but as a grown adult, if they haven't had it before, you can't fix that. They gotta do the work. You can support growth, you can encourage healing, you can inspire change, but you cannot heal someone who is unwilling to heal themselves. And many people spend years sacrificing themselves trying. Now, do I believe in prayer? Yes, and you can a lot of people will pray, pray that God will heal this person, and you can pray, but the person, and sometimes it helps, right? But the person who is needing the healing, they have to pray too that they can be delivered from what they're going through. So if you believe in prayer, pray. It's good energy to put out, but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't mean that God isn't answering prayers. It just means that the other person has to start participating because when we pray for another person, we can pray for their happiness, pray for their well-being, but we can't tell God how to do it. We cannot control and we cannot force anything onto another person. We all have free will, and that sometimes sucks because you know we wish an unhealed people, we could fix it for them, especially us who are fixers in recovery, our rescuers and recovery.

Nervous System Signs You’re Not Safe

SPEAKER_00 17:55

So, what does this mean to your nervous system? Let's talk about the nervous system. When you're constantly being compared to someone else, your body experiences threat. You become hyper-vigilant, you overanalyze text, you watch their social media. A lot of people are watching people's social media. You obsess about where you stand, you become anxious, you start scanning for signs of rejection. Many people mistake this activation for love, but it isn't love. It's a nervous system dysregulation. Healthy love feels different. Healthy love feels safe. Yes, it does. It feels clear, it feels consistent, and if someone keeps you emotionally spinning, your body is giving you important information. Listen to it, hear it. You know, if you're constantly wondering where you stand in your relationship, it may hurt, it may be a hard thing to do, especially if you're one of those people that said, I've invested so much in this relationship, I can't let go now. Yes, you invested, but the person that you invested in did not invest back, they didn't invest in themselves, they didn't invest in you fully, so you invested, but they didn't meet you halfway. And a lot of people don't want to let go of something that they invested in so much, or there's the infamous, well, I'm gonna clean them up and they're gonna go be with somebody else. You can't clean up a wounded person unless they go to therapy. And a lot of people are scared of somebody else benefiting from their hard work that they did on a person. You cannot clean up a person who needs to be in therapy and needs to heal. They can only clean themselves up. Someone who's treating you bad is not gonna magically do great with someone else. They may love bomb in the beginning and the social media may look like that, but let's be real, step back from it to breathe, take a few breaths in and out, and realize this person isn't gonna change suddenly, or they would have done it. Look at all the work I put into it. So just look at it from a different perspective.

What Secure Love Sounds Like

SPEAKER_00 20:23

Let's talk about what secure love actually looks like. A secure partner doesn't need you to compete. A secure partner communicates directly. A secure partner doesn't create jealousy to feel important. A secure partner chooses clearly. A secure partner values honesty and consistency. Secure love sounds like I choose you, I appreciate you, I want to work through this together. I value this relationship. Notice there is no competition in this, no manipulation, no emotional games, just clarity. So the hard truth. Sometimes the hardest truth is this. The person you're trying to win may not actually be a prize. And a lot of times we look back and it's like that was not a prize. Many people spend years proving themselves to someone who isn't emotionally available, someone who enjoys being pursued, someone who thrives on drama, someone who creates confusion because confusion gives them power. At some point you have to ask, why am I fighting so hard for someone who keeps creating situations that hurt me? That question changes everything because it shifts the focus from them back to you. So let's do the

Step Off The Playing Field

SPEAKER_00 22:00

final thought. So I'm gonna close this out. If you find yourself trying to become the better lover, the better option, or the better choice, I want you to remember this. Love is not a competition, and for women who think you gotta compete against another woman, heal that. You should never have to compete against anybody. Your worth is not determined by whether someone chooses you over someone else. You do not need to outperform another human being to be valuable. You do not need to prove yourself to earn healthy love, and you cannot heal someone who refuses to heal themselves. You can't. Pay attention to it because your job is not to win the competition. Some people get so caught up in the drama and they go, I know the person's wounded, but no, there is no but to it. If you know the person is wounded, stop there and see that you cannot work around that. You can't. Period. There's no way around it. You cannot love a wounded person whole, they gotta do their inner work because your job is not to win the competition, your job is to decide whether you want to participate in it at all. And often the most powerful thing you could do is step off the playing field entirely. Thank you for listening. So until next time, trust yourself, honor your nervous system, and remember that healthy love never requires you to prove your worth. And I will be doing more relationship topics because people do want to know about different relationship dynamics to understand what's going on, and so there are more to come along with my woo woo spirituality topics. So I want to thank you for listening. Have a great day, and I will see you in the next episode.